As always, it has been quite a while since I blogged here last. I can't say I realized it was almost a whole year ago, but life gets in the way and blogging falls to the very bottom of the list. Life slowed down a bit in the fall, and I started thinking about a topic for a new post. Since I've been doing well, it's getting harder and harder for me to come up with topics that will be relevant to the people that end up here and read my posts. I know you guys are struggling to make sense of what your body is doing to your life. I don't want to write over and over again about how well I'm doing or how it's almost like I don't have IBS anymore. I can remember how hard that would've been for me to read during all those years where I was so sick.
But the truth is, my IBS was backing down. Around the time I started thinking about blogging again, I had been off the daily Imodium for almost 8 months with hardly any relapse in symptoms. My gut had started spasming again with certain foods, and I was having some loose stools, but I very rarely had any urgency. I had my scheduled poop every morning and it was always tolerable. I still don't know what changed that caused this stretch of amazingness for me. I had another stretch like this during high school when I got to live a completely carefree life- I got to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about where I was going to go to the bathroom if my stomach started acting up. I never made it to that point in this last year when I was feeling good, but it was still a similarly spontaneous remission.
This time was especially strange because I was going through an emotional time in my life. We had made some very big decisions and started to put some stressful plans in place. Usually when I'm stressed out, my gut gets very unhappy, but it was smooth sailing up until mid October. Then I started getting urgency again and almost every stool was very loose. Suddenly things I was able to eat the week before were major triggers for my IBS. Soon enough, my GI issues weren't the only symptoms and it hit me that this might be bigger than IBS.
Has anyone guessed it yet? Yep, I'm preggers.
I can't remember if I've talked about it much on here in the past, but holy cow was I adamantly opposed to having kids in the past. I went through a short period when I was 19 when I needed a child right then and there. I remember going home and telling my now husband we needed to get married that weekend so we could start having kids. Looking back, I cannot believe how extreme that need was, and I'm so happy we didn't act on it! Over the years between then and now, that definitely calmed down and we started to logic out having kids. We made a pros and cons list, I researched how it could affect IBS, and we had many, many discussions about it. We would check back in with each other about every 6 months about it and make sure each of us still didn't want kids, look over our pros and cons list, and plan to talk about it 6 months later. To us, it was always a decision that had to be thought through as carefully as buying a house or changing a career. It never seemed like the right plan for us. And I was absolutely terrified of pregnancy since there was a high probability of me throwing up at some point and it making my IBS worse.
Enter our pseudo-nephew. He just turned a year old a couple of months ago. When we found out our best friends were expecting, the first thing out of my mouth and in my husband's head was, "We have to start soon so they're close in age!" We looked at each other with crazy eyes like, "WTF? When did we both suddenly start wanting kids?" I thought it was another crazy hormonal rush and that it would pass. So we went back to what we knew- our pros and cons list and our long talks. We decided that this had to have come from somewhere, so I started reading blogs people had written about having kids instead of ones people wrote about deciding not to have kids. I also bought a book called All Joy And No Fun. After reading that book, I realized that all the cons on our list didn't mean much. If I looked at all of the annoying things our furbabies do day in and day out and didn't take into account how much joy they bring us, I would've never adopted them. We decided to start thinking about maybe having kids for a while and see how that felt. Well, it felt really good, pretty scary, and definitely like it was the right idea for us at the time.
Over the course of a year, we slowly came around to the idea and decided to take the plunge. Well, it worked lol. I found out I was pregnant in October, so I'm just over halfway through my pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I just screamed, "What the fuck?!" over and over and over. I was terrified. It took me a couple of days to be excited about it because I couldn't stop worrying about how nauseous I might get and what if I puked and what was going to happen with my IBS??
I promise I meant to get to the part most of you guys care about a lot faster, but I feel like this is enough text for one blog post! I'll talk about how pregnancy has been for me so far in the next one. If I don't post soon, please hold me to it! Life has gotten pretty crazy around here, so I might need the reminder.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Friday, January 11, 2013
Routines
I've been a worrywart lately, and I wasn't really sure what I was so nervous about until now.
Obviously, building a house is a very stressful thing, but so far I've been having fun with it. It's given me something to do and, more importantly, something exciting to save for finally. The whole affording it thing is always in the back of my mind, but, for the most part, it hasn't been a huge issue so far. But today it finally hit me that the part of the building process that has me freaked out is not the building at all- it's what happens after the house is built. We move in.
Yay! Exciting! Right? Wrong!! Being someone who has lived their whole life with IBS, I have grown very accustomed to my routines. I believe they are what has given me a mostly normal and predictable life. I don't want to get sick? I eat the same meals over and over and over again until food disgusts me and then pick another. I have a bad day? I spend the entire day at home in my bed, steps away from the same, comfortable bathroom I've used for 5 years with my meds all in a row downstairs in the medicine cabinet.
To any normal person this would seem childish. They'd think, "You grow up and move on. New things happen and you adapt to them," but being the so not normal person I am, I'm worrying about how I'm going to feel in my new bathroom. Is there going to be room for my emergency meds in there? Am I going to feel cramped? Our bed is going to be flipped, so my side will now be facing away from the bathroom, so am I going to be able to make it to the bathroom quickly in the middle of the night? Where am I going to put my meds so that I can find them quickly? And then there is ALL of the other routines that I've set up for myself in our current house that don't have to do with IBS. Where will I set my stuff when I come home from work? Where will we pile up the mail? Where will the dogs leashes go? Will I get so stressed out about all of the changes and cause an IBS flare up?
This should be such an exciting time in my life and while it is in some respects, I just can't get this nagging feeling out of my brain that the first year or so is going to be super stressful while we try to make new routines for ourselves in our new space.
There is, of course, another side to the story. We're getting a new fridge that will have so much more room for fresh food, and we'll have plenty of room to cook now. This could mean more home-cooked meals tailored to my diet. The dogs will have a fenced backyard to get all of their energy out so they'll be less annoying inside with us.
I just can't wait for them to get started building the house so I can start to visualize where I'm going to put everything and how I'm going to do my daily routines in the new space. I keep saying that I wish we could just fast forward 6 months and have it be done so I can stop worrying about what may be, but I don't know if I'm ready. I need to break down all of my routines and see if I can make it work in the new house. I just hope my IBS is up for the challenge because it's going to be a stressful 6 months while I get it all figured out.
Have any of you ever dealt with a move or something where you had to switch up your normal routines? How did you deal with it?
Obviously, building a house is a very stressful thing, but so far I've been having fun with it. It's given me something to do and, more importantly, something exciting to save for finally. The whole affording it thing is always in the back of my mind, but, for the most part, it hasn't been a huge issue so far. But today it finally hit me that the part of the building process that has me freaked out is not the building at all- it's what happens after the house is built. We move in.
Yay! Exciting! Right? Wrong!! Being someone who has lived their whole life with IBS, I have grown very accustomed to my routines. I believe they are what has given me a mostly normal and predictable life. I don't want to get sick? I eat the same meals over and over and over again until food disgusts me and then pick another. I have a bad day? I spend the entire day at home in my bed, steps away from the same, comfortable bathroom I've used for 5 years with my meds all in a row downstairs in the medicine cabinet.
To any normal person this would seem childish. They'd think, "You grow up and move on. New things happen and you adapt to them," but being the so not normal person I am, I'm worrying about how I'm going to feel in my new bathroom. Is there going to be room for my emergency meds in there? Am I going to feel cramped? Our bed is going to be flipped, so my side will now be facing away from the bathroom, so am I going to be able to make it to the bathroom quickly in the middle of the night? Where am I going to put my meds so that I can find them quickly? And then there is ALL of the other routines that I've set up for myself in our current house that don't have to do with IBS. Where will I set my stuff when I come home from work? Where will we pile up the mail? Where will the dogs leashes go? Will I get so stressed out about all of the changes and cause an IBS flare up?
This should be such an exciting time in my life and while it is in some respects, I just can't get this nagging feeling out of my brain that the first year or so is going to be super stressful while we try to make new routines for ourselves in our new space.
There is, of course, another side to the story. We're getting a new fridge that will have so much more room for fresh food, and we'll have plenty of room to cook now. This could mean more home-cooked meals tailored to my diet. The dogs will have a fenced backyard to get all of their energy out so they'll be less annoying inside with us.
I just can't wait for them to get started building the house so I can start to visualize where I'm going to put everything and how I'm going to do my daily routines in the new space. I keep saying that I wish we could just fast forward 6 months and have it be done so I can stop worrying about what may be, but I don't know if I'm ready. I need to break down all of my routines and see if I can make it work in the new house. I just hope my IBS is up for the challenge because it's going to be a stressful 6 months while I get it all figured out.
Have any of you ever dealt with a move or something where you had to switch up your normal routines? How did you deal with it?
Friday, January 6, 2012
My diet lately
I need a better way to keep track of time. Without tests and projects due, rotations are throwing me off. Since pretty much all I have to do is show up to my rotation site, there isn't too much to base the movement of time off of. I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post.
I wanted to post tonight about what I've been eating lately because I've recently realized how horrible my diet is. So here it is:
-Bagels with peanut butter
-Cereal
-Healthy Choice Garlic Herb Shrimp frozen lunch
-Smart Ones Fettuccine Alfredo (I'm cutting this out as it's done more bad than good lately)
Did you get that? That's it. There are some random, snack-like foods I eat like Ritz Crackers with peanut butter or Wheat Thins, but that's about all I can handle lately. How sad is that? I usually end up having a bagel & peanut butter for breakfast and dinner every day and my Garlic Herb Shrimp for lunch. Every.single.day. EVERY F*CKING DAY.
I don't express my anger very often on here, but it is SO exasperating to have such a limited diet. I'm sure I could expand it somewhat, but A) I'm anything but a cook, so I don't know what else to try and B) I'm so afraid of something going horribly wrong after trying something new. If I had more time off to experiment, I would, but even though I have Friday and Saturday to try out new things, I've been sick or feeling sick every weekend.
I know for a fact I'm not getting enough calories or nutrients which is depressing. I got so close to my goal weight of 140 (I'm 5'10.5") but then started going back downhill again after I started having more episodes. Now I'm hanging out around 130. I don't like looking or feeling this thin. While people always ask me what I'm doing and then ignorantly say, "Well I wish I could have IBS so I could be that thin," I would give anything just to be able to gain some weight without making myself feel like hell.
I'm loving the Imodium because I don't have diarrhea anymore except around my period and when I forget to take it, but the other IBS symptoms are killing me. The gas pains/explosions are unbearable most of the time, and I still just get that sick feeling after eating something bad. Even though it doesn't end with diarrhea anymore, I still get the feeling that it's going to happen.
I need to take the time to sit down and find more meal options to add to my diet, but with Career Day for my pharmacy school coming up in a couple weeks, I'm too busy freaking out about the SIX interviews I have that day to make time for it or to have time to deal with the consequences of trying something that doesn't work out.
I'm just so tired of having such a boring diet. Does anyone have any tried and true meal choices that don't cause a ton of gas or diarrhea?
I wanted to post tonight about what I've been eating lately because I've recently realized how horrible my diet is. So here it is:
-Bagels with peanut butter
-Cereal
-Healthy Choice Garlic Herb Shrimp frozen lunch
-Smart Ones Fettuccine Alfredo (I'm cutting this out as it's done more bad than good lately)
Did you get that? That's it. There are some random, snack-like foods I eat like Ritz Crackers with peanut butter or Wheat Thins, but that's about all I can handle lately. How sad is that? I usually end up having a bagel & peanut butter for breakfast and dinner every day and my Garlic Herb Shrimp for lunch. Every.single.day. EVERY F*CKING DAY.
I don't express my anger very often on here, but it is SO exasperating to have such a limited diet. I'm sure I could expand it somewhat, but A) I'm anything but a cook, so I don't know what else to try and B) I'm so afraid of something going horribly wrong after trying something new. If I had more time off to experiment, I would, but even though I have Friday and Saturday to try out new things, I've been sick or feeling sick every weekend.
I know for a fact I'm not getting enough calories or nutrients which is depressing. I got so close to my goal weight of 140 (I'm 5'10.5") but then started going back downhill again after I started having more episodes. Now I'm hanging out around 130. I don't like looking or feeling this thin. While people always ask me what I'm doing and then ignorantly say, "Well I wish I could have IBS so I could be that thin," I would give anything just to be able to gain some weight without making myself feel like hell.
I'm loving the Imodium because I don't have diarrhea anymore except around my period and when I forget to take it, but the other IBS symptoms are killing me. The gas pains/explosions are unbearable most of the time, and I still just get that sick feeling after eating something bad. Even though it doesn't end with diarrhea anymore, I still get the feeling that it's going to happen.
I need to take the time to sit down and find more meal options to add to my diet, but with Career Day for my pharmacy school coming up in a couple weeks, I'm too busy freaking out about the SIX interviews I have that day to make time for it or to have time to deal with the consequences of trying something that doesn't work out.
I'm just so tired of having such a boring diet. Does anyone have any tried and true meal choices that don't cause a ton of gas or diarrhea?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Rough stretch
The past couple of weeks (or is it months? Time has been flying by lately) have not been easy. While there have been some great days, most of them just seem to be rotten.
I feel like I'm getting back to the old days where simple food that I've previously had no problems with rip me apart. I'm back down to 125. Actually, when I weighed myself last night I was 124.6. :( I'll just pretend I never saw that because it depresses me. I swear it seems like yesterday when I had decided I was going to start cooking for myself instead of sticking to my staple foods. Now, not only can I not handle the meals I was cooking, I can hardly even handle my staple foods.
I've been eating mostly cereal the past couple of weeks with a few other meals thrown in there when I feel like I can handle it. A huge part of the cause seems to be stress. Other than random changes in my body's chemistry, that's all I can think of that could have changed. I just finished my last final today, so hopefully that helps.
I'm still going to my therapist and beginning CBT; I can't wait to see if that can really help me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it does! I just can't deal with this downward progression in health and weight...there's only so much I can lose before I start feeling like a zombie all the time again.
I feel like I'm getting back to the old days where simple food that I've previously had no problems with rip me apart. I'm back down to 125. Actually, when I weighed myself last night I was 124.6. :( I'll just pretend I never saw that because it depresses me. I swear it seems like yesterday when I had decided I was going to start cooking for myself instead of sticking to my staple foods. Now, not only can I not handle the meals I was cooking, I can hardly even handle my staple foods.
I've been eating mostly cereal the past couple of weeks with a few other meals thrown in there when I feel like I can handle it. A huge part of the cause seems to be stress. Other than random changes in my body's chemistry, that's all I can think of that could have changed. I just finished my last final today, so hopefully that helps.
I'm still going to my therapist and beginning CBT; I can't wait to see if that can really help me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it does! I just can't deal with this downward progression in health and weight...there's only so much I can lose before I start feeling like a zombie all the time again.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
The last few days
The last few days have been anything but pleasant. I either a) ate something really wrong, b) got food poisoning or c) caught the stomach bug that's been going around.
It all started Thursday afternoon when I had cheese dip & chips then followed it with a PopTart. Yes, I know how foolish this was, but I was craving each thing & thought I'd reward myself by giving into my cravings. It did not turn out to be a reward whatsoever.
I spent most of the evening in the bathroom until the Pepto and Imodium kicked in. After that I felt so nauseous that I had my doctor call in an antiemetic for me. The nurse on the phone said that a stomach bug was going around (which I already knew) and tried to tell me to just stay hydrated and eat a bland diet. I then told her that I have a phobia of vomit, and asked her to please call in some medicine for me. Luckily, the doctor did & I got a little piece of mind.
I didn't end up having to use it, but just knowing it was there in case I needed helped calm my nerves at least. Part of the difficulty with IBS is never knowing just what causes your symptoms. I've had that cheese dip before & never had problems. Granted, it was about a week old & I might have had a bit much; adding a PopTart on top of it probably didn't help either. But it was just so sudden and severe that I can't say it was entirely due to IBS. So my poor boyfriend has been upset since it started because I've been avoiding him, just to avoid giving him anything I might have.
One good thing about the last couple days is that I only lost 2 pounds instead of my normal 5! I'm also recovering pretty well & have already started eating normally again with only minimal stomach upset. Usually after episodes or sicknesses it takes my body a lot longer to get back to normal. Let's hope it continues this way so I can be well for finals!
It all started Thursday afternoon when I had cheese dip & chips then followed it with a PopTart. Yes, I know how foolish this was, but I was craving each thing & thought I'd reward myself by giving into my cravings. It did not turn out to be a reward whatsoever.
I spent most of the evening in the bathroom until the Pepto and Imodium kicked in. After that I felt so nauseous that I had my doctor call in an antiemetic for me. The nurse on the phone said that a stomach bug was going around (which I already knew) and tried to tell me to just stay hydrated and eat a bland diet. I then told her that I have a phobia of vomit, and asked her to please call in some medicine for me. Luckily, the doctor did & I got a little piece of mind.
I didn't end up having to use it, but just knowing it was there in case I needed helped calm my nerves at least. Part of the difficulty with IBS is never knowing just what causes your symptoms. I've had that cheese dip before & never had problems. Granted, it was about a week old & I might have had a bit much; adding a PopTart on top of it probably didn't help either. But it was just so sudden and severe that I can't say it was entirely due to IBS. So my poor boyfriend has been upset since it started because I've been avoiding him, just to avoid giving him anything I might have.
One good thing about the last couple days is that I only lost 2 pounds instead of my normal 5! I'm also recovering pretty well & have already started eating normally again with only minimal stomach upset. Usually after episodes or sicknesses it takes my body a lot longer to get back to normal. Let's hope it continues this way so I can be well for finals!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Who are you?
Are you the person you thought you'd be? Are you the person you want to be? Do you even recognize yourself? When you make decisions about what you eat, what you do, etc do you feel like it's you who's making the decisions?
Or do you feel like you don't know the person who lives inside your skin? Are you ashamed of how you act? Of how you let food control your life? Do you hate that you let so many things that are out of your control make your decisions for you?
I've been asking myself these questions a lot lately. I recently started seeing a therapist (and abruptly stopped going as soon as I realized how much of my budget was dedicated to her). Regardless of that, she helped me realize something. I'm so unhappy with my life now because I'm living it trying to get back my life from 5 years ago. The one when my friends would stop by unannounced, I'd jump in the car not asking where we were going or when we'd be back. The one when I didn't stop to check my purse before I left to make sure I had my miniature pharmacy inside. The one where I ate way too much pizza & fried food. The one when I didn't EVER have diarrhea. When fear didn't control my life. When traveling was fun & not absolutely terrifying. When I didn't have to map out escapes to the bathroom everywhere I went. When I was not afraid of being around people. When I wasn't afraid of being around sick people because I might catch what they had & begin the cycle of intense IBS symptoms all over again. When I stopped & got fast food on my way home because I didn't have time to make dinner. When I ate things other than rice, cereal & pasta. When I wasn't a hermit because I felt like I fit in with everyone else & didn't have to plan my escape the moment I made plans anywhere with anyone. When I could stress without it affecting my bowels. When I made it to work every single day & never called out sick. When I felt good. When I was happy.
I miss my past SO much it's unbearable sometimes. I occasionally think about it while curled up in fetal position in bed with a box of Kleenex. It hurts to think about it...about how good I had it. Part of the reason I think I hold on to my long-lost friends from that time so much is because they remind me of the time when I knew myself. When I felt like I was the one controlling my life.
Sure, I make my own decisions, so technically I am the one in control. My response to people that say this? Easy for you to say. A mother can make her own decisions, but can she ever really make the decisions she'd like to make & go back to living her life like she did before she had kids? Can she lay on the couch all day in her PJs watching Lifetime, only getting up to get some cereal for herself? Can she have wild sex on the kitchen table any time she wants? No. Just like me, something has changed her life. The difference here is that she obviously chose to have children & I did not choose to have IBS, but we're very similar. I can't live my life like I want to because something is holding me back. I could choose to eat 3 slices of pizza just because I can, but it's definitely not in the best interest of my IBS.
There's what I think of as a little green monster living inside of me, manipulating my every move. Almost everything I do revolves around my IBS. Ok...studying, not so much. But I skip class because of IBS, I choose my meals based on IBS, I sleep with my heating pad every single night because of it, I don't make plans with anyone because of it, I take my own car everywhere instead of catching rides with others because of it, I'm not intimate very often with my boyfriend because of it, etc etc etc.
I'm trying to take back control of my life little by little. My first step was eating chicken. I have feared chicken since the day it gave me food poisoning & triggered the last 4 or so years of this IBS cycle. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to regain control, but it will happen. I refuse to live the rest of my life not feeling like my own self when I make decisions. I don't want to resent myself. I don't want to hate myself.
Do you feel like you know who you are? Or does your little green monster rule your life too?
Or do you feel like you don't know the person who lives inside your skin? Are you ashamed of how you act? Of how you let food control your life? Do you hate that you let so many things that are out of your control make your decisions for you?
I've been asking myself these questions a lot lately. I recently started seeing a therapist (and abruptly stopped going as soon as I realized how much of my budget was dedicated to her). Regardless of that, she helped me realize something. I'm so unhappy with my life now because I'm living it trying to get back my life from 5 years ago. The one when my friends would stop by unannounced, I'd jump in the car not asking where we were going or when we'd be back. The one when I didn't stop to check my purse before I left to make sure I had my miniature pharmacy inside. The one where I ate way too much pizza & fried food. The one when I didn't EVER have diarrhea. When fear didn't control my life. When traveling was fun & not absolutely terrifying. When I didn't have to map out escapes to the bathroom everywhere I went. When I was not afraid of being around people. When I wasn't afraid of being around sick people because I might catch what they had & begin the cycle of intense IBS symptoms all over again. When I stopped & got fast food on my way home because I didn't have time to make dinner. When I ate things other than rice, cereal & pasta. When I wasn't a hermit because I felt like I fit in with everyone else & didn't have to plan my escape the moment I made plans anywhere with anyone. When I could stress without it affecting my bowels. When I made it to work every single day & never called out sick. When I felt good. When I was happy.
I miss my past SO much it's unbearable sometimes. I occasionally think about it while curled up in fetal position in bed with a box of Kleenex. It hurts to think about it...about how good I had it. Part of the reason I think I hold on to my long-lost friends from that time so much is because they remind me of the time when I knew myself. When I felt like I was the one controlling my life.
Sure, I make my own decisions, so technically I am the one in control. My response to people that say this? Easy for you to say. A mother can make her own decisions, but can she ever really make the decisions she'd like to make & go back to living her life like she did before she had kids? Can she lay on the couch all day in her PJs watching Lifetime, only getting up to get some cereal for herself? Can she have wild sex on the kitchen table any time she wants? No. Just like me, something has changed her life. The difference here is that she obviously chose to have children & I did not choose to have IBS, but we're very similar. I can't live my life like I want to because something is holding me back. I could choose to eat 3 slices of pizza just because I can, but it's definitely not in the best interest of my IBS.
There's what I think of as a little green monster living inside of me, manipulating my every move. Almost everything I do revolves around my IBS. Ok...studying, not so much. But I skip class because of IBS, I choose my meals based on IBS, I sleep with my heating pad every single night because of it, I don't make plans with anyone because of it, I take my own car everywhere instead of catching rides with others because of it, I'm not intimate very often with my boyfriend because of it, etc etc etc.
I'm trying to take back control of my life little by little. My first step was eating chicken. I have feared chicken since the day it gave me food poisoning & triggered the last 4 or so years of this IBS cycle. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to regain control, but it will happen. I refuse to live the rest of my life not feeling like my own self when I make decisions. I don't want to resent myself. I don't want to hate myself.
Do you feel like you know who you are? Or does your little green monster rule your life too?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Worry
I tweeted last week about a book I bought that is all about controlling your worry. It might be the best damn purchase I've ever made.
I'm about halfway through it right now, and I've already cut my worrying in half. If you're a chronic worrier, you know how bothersome it can get. It seemed like I was always amped up and so tense. I'd constantly have thoughts going through my head that would make me anxious. Don't get turned off by that word- anxious.
When I first went to see this therapist, she called what I was feeling "anxiety." Everyone knows that there's a stigma attached to anxiety, so I kind of pushed it away and ignored her. I kept calling it stressed instead of anxious. She must have noticed this and pulled out her DSM IV. Welp- it's definitely anxiety. Whatever it's called doesn't matter. I feel how I feel and that's that.
Anyway, since she suggested these books (there's a stress one too), I decided to order them. I started the one about worry the first day I got it. It has a lot of exercises to help you implement what you're learning. One of the first things it has you do is start a worry journal. I started keeping mine on Google Calendar so I could track it more easily and not have to dig out a notebook every time I worried.
I was SHOCKED after the first day. I worry so much more than I had realized! The first step to decreasing my worry and eventually my stress level was just being aware of how much it happens. The next step was actively thinking about what I was worrying about- was it productive or unproductive? Almost all of my worry was unproductive and completely worthless.
I'm now getting to the part where it starts telling me how to control my worry, and I'm really excited. I can't believe how calm I feel compared to this time last week. The best thing about it is that you don't even need to see a therapist to stop worrying. This book, as long as you really do the exercises, can help you decrease your worrying.
If you ever wish you could just shut your brain off for a second or that you could worry less, this book is definitely something to think about. It's cheap- about $11 and about 140 pages long. Here's a link, or just ask me if you can borrow it when I'm done.
I'm about halfway through it right now, and I've already cut my worrying in half. If you're a chronic worrier, you know how bothersome it can get. It seemed like I was always amped up and so tense. I'd constantly have thoughts going through my head that would make me anxious. Don't get turned off by that word- anxious.
When I first went to see this therapist, she called what I was feeling "anxiety." Everyone knows that there's a stigma attached to anxiety, so I kind of pushed it away and ignored her. I kept calling it stressed instead of anxious. She must have noticed this and pulled out her DSM IV. Welp- it's definitely anxiety. Whatever it's called doesn't matter. I feel how I feel and that's that.
Anyway, since she suggested these books (there's a stress one too), I decided to order them. I started the one about worry the first day I got it. It has a lot of exercises to help you implement what you're learning. One of the first things it has you do is start a worry journal. I started keeping mine on Google Calendar so I could track it more easily and not have to dig out a notebook every time I worried.
I was SHOCKED after the first day. I worry so much more than I had realized! The first step to decreasing my worry and eventually my stress level was just being aware of how much it happens. The next step was actively thinking about what I was worrying about- was it productive or unproductive? Almost all of my worry was unproductive and completely worthless.
I'm now getting to the part where it starts telling me how to control my worry, and I'm really excited. I can't believe how calm I feel compared to this time last week. The best thing about it is that you don't even need to see a therapist to stop worrying. This book, as long as you really do the exercises, can help you decrease your worrying.
If you ever wish you could just shut your brain off for a second or that you could worry less, this book is definitely something to think about. It's cheap- about $11 and about 140 pages long. Here's a link, or just ask me if you can borrow it when I'm done.
Monday, August 30, 2010
School + stress = NO worsening of symptoms?!
Obviously school has started up again, but this semester has surprised me as far as my IBS symptoms go. Usually as I start to get stressed, my worst symptoms get even worse and make me absolutely miserable.
While I have had a bit of a problem getting out of the house for my early classes, this is nothing new for me. I've never been a morning person, and school just makes this obvious. Luckily, I hardly ever had to get up early during the summer, so I just didn't have to deal with my symptoms. But I've made it to every class and so far haven't spent any "sick" days/nights in bed.
This next part may sound a bit crazy to some of you. I honestly think the reason I'm feeling better is because I said to hell with it! To hell with restricting myself to where I'm basically only eating cereal, to hell with worrying about the consequences of eating, etc. Don't get me wrong- I did NOT go crazy and consume large amounts of pizza, hamburgers, or fried chicken. I'm still making conscious decisions about food, but I'm no longer worrying myself crazy about the specifics of everything. I really think this has decreased my stress and that's what has held off my usual back-to-school symptom spike.
You know how that mosquito bite can drive you bat shit crazy while you're studying? But when a friend calls with some juicy gossip and you lose yourself in conversation- what happens? You completely forget about the incessant itch. That's my reasoning here. I'm forcing my problems to the back of my mind. As I said before, this does not mean I think I've wished away my IBS or anything like that. I still have loose stools when I eat certain foods. My intestines still feel like they'll never relax. But I've forced myself to accept this as my new "normal."
As we all know, stress is a huge factor when it comes to our disease. What sense does it make to stress over IBS symptoms? I decided that answer is none at all, and it's paying off! Let's hope this trend continues at least until midterms. :)
While I have had a bit of a problem getting out of the house for my early classes, this is nothing new for me. I've never been a morning person, and school just makes this obvious. Luckily, I hardly ever had to get up early during the summer, so I just didn't have to deal with my symptoms. But I've made it to every class and so far haven't spent any "sick" days/nights in bed.
This next part may sound a bit crazy to some of you. I honestly think the reason I'm feeling better is because I said to hell with it! To hell with restricting myself to where I'm basically only eating cereal, to hell with worrying about the consequences of eating, etc. Don't get me wrong- I did NOT go crazy and consume large amounts of pizza, hamburgers, or fried chicken. I'm still making conscious decisions about food, but I'm no longer worrying myself crazy about the specifics of everything. I really think this has decreased my stress and that's what has held off my usual back-to-school symptom spike.
You know how that mosquito bite can drive you bat shit crazy while you're studying? But when a friend calls with some juicy gossip and you lose yourself in conversation- what happens? You completely forget about the incessant itch. That's my reasoning here. I'm forcing my problems to the back of my mind. As I said before, this does not mean I think I've wished away my IBS or anything like that. I still have loose stools when I eat certain foods. My intestines still feel like they'll never relax. But I've forced myself to accept this as my new "normal."
As we all know, stress is a huge factor when it comes to our disease. What sense does it make to stress over IBS symptoms? I decided that answer is none at all, and it's paying off! Let's hope this trend continues at least until midterms. :)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Finals are over!
And thank god! I'm honestly not sure I could have taken another day. I'm so mentally exhausted it's not even funny. Surprisingly though, the end of the year was actually better than the beginning for once. Usually, I start off the year completely stress free and just sail through the months. Then, finals get here and I FREAK OUT! I can't believe how stupid I was to sail through and slack off so I now have to study super hard to get the grades I want in class.
Well, this semester was different. After losing my grandma, I failed a test and freaked out all semester about it. I literally thought my life was over. But then I was sitting down about two weeks before finals figuring out what I needed to get on the final to pass the class (a C is passing in this class- anything lower is a big fat F...and I'd be set back a whole year). Anyway, I put all my grades into a spreadsheet (this class is very confusing points-wise) and I sat there stunned. There was NO way I only needed a 69/120 to pass the class! So I re-checked everything and sure enough, it was right!
Even though I didn't need to freak out about any of the 5 finals I had, I still stressed a little bit. I mean FIVE big tests in one week is insane. My brain is complete mush right now. My body held up pretty well though. I was stupid and pushed a little too hard a couple of days and paid for it, but it was no where near as bad as when I was stressing out hardcore all semester.
I'm hoping that now that class is over, I can focus on getting myself back into shape- gaining some weight and muscle. I also really need to work on my cardio. Is that how you say it? I never know. All I know is I can only run like a yard before I can't breathe and that's no bueno.
Now I have all the time I need (until my rotation in June) to make all the doctor appointments I want and get a few steps closer to HEALTH. I'm hoping I can accomplish at least that by the time I start school again- just to be a little more healthy than I am now.
Well, this semester was different. After losing my grandma, I failed a test and freaked out all semester about it. I literally thought my life was over. But then I was sitting down about two weeks before finals figuring out what I needed to get on the final to pass the class (a C is passing in this class- anything lower is a big fat F...and I'd be set back a whole year). Anyway, I put all my grades into a spreadsheet (this class is very confusing points-wise) and I sat there stunned. There was NO way I only needed a 69/120 to pass the class! So I re-checked everything and sure enough, it was right!
Even though I didn't need to freak out about any of the 5 finals I had, I still stressed a little bit. I mean FIVE big tests in one week is insane. My brain is complete mush right now. My body held up pretty well though. I was stupid and pushed a little too hard a couple of days and paid for it, but it was no where near as bad as when I was stressing out hardcore all semester.
I'm hoping that now that class is over, I can focus on getting myself back into shape- gaining some weight and muscle. I also really need to work on my cardio. Is that how you say it? I never know. All I know is I can only run like a yard before I can't breathe and that's no bueno.
Now I have all the time I need (until my rotation in June) to make all the doctor appointments I want and get a few steps closer to HEALTH. I'm hoping I can accomplish at least that by the time I start school again- just to be a little more healthy than I am now.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
It's Official
It's official- I'm down to 120 pounds. This is the 3rd sob attack this week thanks to the scale. That means I've lost 15 pounds in about 2 weeks....2 MISERABLE weeks.
Just to make sure we're all on the same page- I do NOT want to lose weight. In fact, I've been working very hard for the past 2 YEARS to gain back 10 pounds I lost when I first got sick and get my weight back up to at least 135. Now, 2 weeks of a flare up have ruined 2 years of work.
I don't even know what to do. The episode I'm having now has brought a new symptom- nausea. That's not something I know how to deal with. With diarrhea, I'd take Loperamide, wait a few hours & be ok to start eating blandly again. But with the nausea, I don't ever feel like eating. All I've had for the past few days is a couple of bagels, rice and some cereal. How the hell am I supposed to get my weight back up if I can't eat anything? Even drinking water makes me feel even more lousy.
While we're on the topic- if you're going to take anything for nausea, make sure you have some down time! I took Dramamine last night and it knocked me out. I've never been drowsy like that before, and while I was happy it kept the nausea at bay, I was worthless! I had to get up at one point to go to the bathroom, and I stumbled the whole way there, could hardly see anything, and really don't remember most of it. Quite an experience. But it did work, and I'm thankful for that. The only bad thing is now that I'm awake, it's starting to come back. I have a week's worth of studying to get done today and there's no way I can be knocked out like that again.
I'm almost hoping that this is just some version of the flu and that it will all be over soon. This is the third day I've been nauseous, so I'm hoping it will be coming to an end soon. As soon as it does, I'm going nuts with junk food (tolerable junk food that won't cause another episode, of course...sigh) and putting that weight back on ASAP. I know there are so many people out there that would probably be super jealous of me losing 15 pounds in two weeks, but this is scaring the shit out of me. I just hope that it stops here and doesn't go lower. If I get into the teens (hundred-teens), I don't know what I'd do. I haven't been that skinny (read emaciated looking) since middle school. And I was shorter in middle school so it didn't look funny/sickly.
Wish me luck :/
Just to make sure we're all on the same page- I do NOT want to lose weight. In fact, I've been working very hard for the past 2 YEARS to gain back 10 pounds I lost when I first got sick and get my weight back up to at least 135. Now, 2 weeks of a flare up have ruined 2 years of work.
I don't even know what to do. The episode I'm having now has brought a new symptom- nausea. That's not something I know how to deal with. With diarrhea, I'd take Loperamide, wait a few hours & be ok to start eating blandly again. But with the nausea, I don't ever feel like eating. All I've had for the past few days is a couple of bagels, rice and some cereal. How the hell am I supposed to get my weight back up if I can't eat anything? Even drinking water makes me feel even more lousy.
While we're on the topic- if you're going to take anything for nausea, make sure you have some down time! I took Dramamine last night and it knocked me out. I've never been drowsy like that before, and while I was happy it kept the nausea at bay, I was worthless! I had to get up at one point to go to the bathroom, and I stumbled the whole way there, could hardly see anything, and really don't remember most of it. Quite an experience. But it did work, and I'm thankful for that. The only bad thing is now that I'm awake, it's starting to come back. I have a week's worth of studying to get done today and there's no way I can be knocked out like that again.
I'm almost hoping that this is just some version of the flu and that it will all be over soon. This is the third day I've been nauseous, so I'm hoping it will be coming to an end soon. As soon as it does, I'm going nuts with junk food (tolerable junk food that won't cause another episode, of course...sigh) and putting that weight back on ASAP. I know there are so many people out there that would probably be super jealous of me losing 15 pounds in two weeks, but this is scaring the shit out of me. I just hope that it stops here and doesn't go lower. If I get into the teens (hundred-teens), I don't know what I'd do. I haven't been that skinny (read emaciated looking) since middle school. And I was shorter in middle school so it didn't look funny/sickly.
Wish me luck :/
Monday, December 28, 2009
Flying & IBS
With everything that has happened the past few days, flying looks like it's completely out of the question for me (and many other people) now.
I've had a really hard time flying in the past because of simple math. There are about 100 people to every bathroom.
When I've flown in the past, I make sure to not eat anything before I get on the flight. If it's an early morning flight, I don't eat anything (except maybe cereal) the night before. I basically want to have the smallest chance of having an upset stomach during the flight. Luckily, the flights I take are two and a half hours max. That's as long as I can last before my nerves get the best of me and start causing me problems.
I get anxious flying in planes for a few reasons. In the years following 9/11, I became more & more afraid of flying. I've been told that it is more dangerous to drive than it is to fly, statistically, but statistics mean nothing when you're part of that small percentage on the flight where something happens. For whatever reason, my mind chooses to focus on that when I'm flying. Obviously, the anxiety causes tons of stress and the stress makes my insides go nuts. Especially when I'm on a plane with two bathrooms.
The only thing that allows me to get on the plane in the first place and what keeps me sane once I'm on it is knowing that I CAN use the bathroom if I really need to. With the apparent new restrictions for air travel, that would not be possible. I've been reading that people are required to stay in their seats an hour before the plane lands. AN HOUR?!? A full hour? Do they have any idea how long that can be for someone with diarrhea? That would be an eternity! What happens if they have an accident in their seat? Would they be required to stay there until the plane lands?
If I were flying, already anxious, and then stranded in my seat for a whole hour at the end of the flight, there's no way I'd last.
I also read somewhere that you're no longer allowed to have electronics or anything on your lap for the last hour (or maybe even the whole flight? I read different stories). My iPod is the only thing that keeps my mind focused while I'm in the air. If I don't have my tunes or a book to keep my mind off everything happening around/below me, I would be a wreck.
With all of that said, there is absolutely no way I'll ever be able to fly in the future. If the regulations are changed back to being more relaxed, there is a better chance I will go up in the air again. The people making these rules up really need to understand that restricting people to their seats for the last hour won't do anything to stop everything that has happened. It will only hurt the law abiding passengers. As I've read, the passengers have been the ones who got out of their seats to try to stop the terrorists from harming them. This regulation would keep them from doing that! They also need to think about people with bowel/urinary issues. So many people will either have to avoid air travel or...I dunno...wear diapers?
I've had a really hard time flying in the past because of simple math. There are about 100 people to every bathroom.
When I've flown in the past, I make sure to not eat anything before I get on the flight. If it's an early morning flight, I don't eat anything (except maybe cereal) the night before. I basically want to have the smallest chance of having an upset stomach during the flight. Luckily, the flights I take are two and a half hours max. That's as long as I can last before my nerves get the best of me and start causing me problems.
I get anxious flying in planes for a few reasons. In the years following 9/11, I became more & more afraid of flying. I've been told that it is more dangerous to drive than it is to fly, statistically, but statistics mean nothing when you're part of that small percentage on the flight where something happens. For whatever reason, my mind chooses to focus on that when I'm flying. Obviously, the anxiety causes tons of stress and the stress makes my insides go nuts. Especially when I'm on a plane with two bathrooms.
The only thing that allows me to get on the plane in the first place and what keeps me sane once I'm on it is knowing that I CAN use the bathroom if I really need to. With the apparent new restrictions for air travel, that would not be possible. I've been reading that people are required to stay in their seats an hour before the plane lands. AN HOUR?!? A full hour? Do they have any idea how long that can be for someone with diarrhea? That would be an eternity! What happens if they have an accident in their seat? Would they be required to stay there until the plane lands?
If I were flying, already anxious, and then stranded in my seat for a whole hour at the end of the flight, there's no way I'd last.
I also read somewhere that you're no longer allowed to have electronics or anything on your lap for the last hour (or maybe even the whole flight? I read different stories). My iPod is the only thing that keeps my mind focused while I'm in the air. If I don't have my tunes or a book to keep my mind off everything happening around/below me, I would be a wreck.
With all of that said, there is absolutely no way I'll ever be able to fly in the future. If the regulations are changed back to being more relaxed, there is a better chance I will go up in the air again. The people making these rules up really need to understand that restricting people to their seats for the last hour won't do anything to stop everything that has happened. It will only hurt the law abiding passengers. As I've read, the passengers have been the ones who got out of their seats to try to stop the terrorists from harming them. This regulation would keep them from doing that! They also need to think about people with bowel/urinary issues. So many people will either have to avoid air travel or...I dunno...wear diapers?
Monday, November 16, 2009
A Flashback to the Past
I have been so lucky in the past year or so. Too lucky. So lucky I almost feel like I'm running out of luck. About a year ago, my symptoms quickly started to vanish. As I would try new foods, I found that almost none of them brought on symptoms that they had days or weeks before. I found myself spending less time in the bathroom or bed, and more time out doing things I actually wanted to be doing. I felt guilty for that. I still do.
When I say, "I have IBS" now, I feel like I'm a bad person. The IBS I have now is nothing compared to what I had over a year ago. This is a joke compared to that. I still experience flashbacks, or relapses, to those horrible days and exhausting symptoms, but I hardly ever have the urgency, my stools are perfect now, I go weeks without the pain, and I am eating closer to a normal diet. I have PIZZA about two times a week. PIZZA! Two years ago, I never thought I'd taste it again. Granted, it's the freezer kind which is much more predictable in terms of ingredients and fat content, but I still never believed I'd be to this point.
With that said, something happened today. At lunchtime, I was making a turkey sandwich, but when I pulled the turkey out of the package, I noticed there was something that looked like a fingernail in the middle of each of the slices. I'm sure it was just a piece of cartilage or bone from the turkey, but I couldn't determine exactly what it was or be ok with eating it. So I threw the sandwich away. I was upset after that because I had been looking forward to having it. When I get upset about a meal going awry, I tend to console myself by eating junk food. I know this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but it's what I do. When I get stressed, I turn to food. When I'm stressed and eat the wrong food, I get sick. My logic defies me. Anyway, when I say junk food remember- I mean junk food that has received the "Rachel Seal of Approval." These are foods I've tested out and made sure that they don't make me sick.
But tonight, I picked two things that had been sitting in my pantry for a while. And I also went a little overboard. I had a stressful day today between school and Koopa acting like a nut, so I believe that contributed to it quite a bit. So now I'm laying in bed, unable to do anything except blog and try to focus on computer-based homework. Koopa is downstairs and his chain is jingling a ton which means he is probably causing even more of a headache. Alexey is at work, so I'm the only one who can deal with it. But I can't.
I feel absolutely worthless, but I can't do a damn thing to fix it. I have to sit here with my heating pad and be ready to run to the bathroom. No matter how guilty I have felt lately for having an "easier" form of IBS for the past year, I would never want to revert to my days being spent in bed next to the bathroom. This is torture. As I lay here, all I can think about is how much I want to be out of bed doing this or that. And it leaves me no choice but to think about things I don't want to think about. Like, "what if I never get rid of this? What if it sticks around for my whole life?" Or "this is going to keep me from having kids."
I'll have to save expanding that last thought for a later post because this one is already getting pretty long. I just know that I do not miss feeling like this at all.
Here's to heating pads that make it "bearable" and kitties that lounge in bed with you. :)
When I say, "I have IBS" now, I feel like I'm a bad person. The IBS I have now is nothing compared to what I had over a year ago. This is a joke compared to that. I still experience flashbacks, or relapses, to those horrible days and exhausting symptoms, but I hardly ever have the urgency, my stools are perfect now, I go weeks without the pain, and I am eating closer to a normal diet. I have PIZZA about two times a week. PIZZA! Two years ago, I never thought I'd taste it again. Granted, it's the freezer kind which is much more predictable in terms of ingredients and fat content, but I still never believed I'd be to this point.
With that said, something happened today. At lunchtime, I was making a turkey sandwich, but when I pulled the turkey out of the package, I noticed there was something that looked like a fingernail in the middle of each of the slices. I'm sure it was just a piece of cartilage or bone from the turkey, but I couldn't determine exactly what it was or be ok with eating it. So I threw the sandwich away. I was upset after that because I had been looking forward to having it. When I get upset about a meal going awry, I tend to console myself by eating junk food. I know this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but it's what I do. When I get stressed, I turn to food. When I'm stressed and eat the wrong food, I get sick. My logic defies me. Anyway, when I say junk food remember- I mean junk food that has received the "Rachel Seal of Approval." These are foods I've tested out and made sure that they don't make me sick.
But tonight, I picked two things that had been sitting in my pantry for a while. And I also went a little overboard. I had a stressful day today between school and Koopa acting like a nut, so I believe that contributed to it quite a bit. So now I'm laying in bed, unable to do anything except blog and try to focus on computer-based homework. Koopa is downstairs and his chain is jingling a ton which means he is probably causing even more of a headache. Alexey is at work, so I'm the only one who can deal with it. But I can't.
I feel absolutely worthless, but I can't do a damn thing to fix it. I have to sit here with my heating pad and be ready to run to the bathroom. No matter how guilty I have felt lately for having an "easier" form of IBS for the past year, I would never want to revert to my days being spent in bed next to the bathroom. This is torture. As I lay here, all I can think about is how much I want to be out of bed doing this or that. And it leaves me no choice but to think about things I don't want to think about. Like, "what if I never get rid of this? What if it sticks around for my whole life?" Or "this is going to keep me from having kids."
I'll have to save expanding that last thought for a later post because this one is already getting pretty long. I just know that I do not miss feeling like this at all.
Here's to heating pads that make it "bearable" and kitties that lounge in bed with you. :)
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