I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but I'm getting married!! I've been dating my now fiance for 9 years this November and we got engaged last December. As we're about a year away from our wedding, we're full-on wedding planning now.
From the moment I got sick, I was terrified about getting married and not for normal reasons. I was terrified that I'd be in the middle of my vows and suddenly have to run to the bathroom. Or that I'd be able to try on one dress before having to head home to the heating pad. Then it hit me the other day that other IBSers might wonder how someone would deal with all of the things that weddings bring and get through it without any major, wedding-stopping episodes.
So I'm going to start blogging about different experiences I'm having during the planning process and how I'm dealing with them. This will obviously be more helpful for the women since, well, I'm a woman, but let's face it- standing up in front of hundreds of people is anxiety-inducing in even a completely well person and will definitely fuel the IBS fire.
If there are any questions you have about specific parts of the process that I don't answer as we go through this series or anything you want to make sure I touch on before I really get blogging, let me know! Hope you guys find this useful :)
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Embarrassed by IBS
I used to be embarrassed by my IBS. If I was going through a rough patch where it was completely necessary to always have instant access to a bathroom, I would just stay at home. I couldn't fathom my friends knowing I was having stomach issues. If my stomach would make ridiculous noises, I would turn red and apologize profusely to anyone within range. I'd grin and eat whatever I was offered because I didn't want to have to answer questions about why I was refusing or make the host feel bad. In short, I was embarrassed by my IBS. If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you'll know that time is long gone. I share all :)
I grew up. I realized I don't choose to have this Syndrome. I mean, who in the hell would choose to give up their favorite foods or feel super sick when they cave and eat things they shouldn't?? Just as someone with any other sickness (cancer, diabetes) did not choose what they have, neither did we. Anyway, I came to accept that this had become a part of who I am, and, just like any of my other quirks, if people didn't like this part of me, too freakin bad. My IBS defines most of how I live my life; I cannot just hide it away to make it less uncomfortable for you.
That was until I started at this new store. I suddenly realized that very few people there knew what IBS was, and even fewer knew that I had it. Some of my techs found out about it when I was talking to them about whether or not I counsel patients about constipation when they pick up pain meds. My comment was, "Well, if they're on it long-term, I talk to them about it, but if they're on it for a few days, I don't. Not many people like talking about poop." Someone responded saying that no one likes to talk about poop. My response, of course, was, "Well I blog about it." Obviously, this left everyone there basically clearing out their ears wondering if they could have really just heard what came out of my mouth. Once I assured them that is what I actually said, they had to look up my site, and they didn't like what they saw. My IBS had make someone feel uncomfortable, and I just knew they were all judging me for it. It probably didn't help that one of the first posts they saw was a detailed description of how my mornings usually go, but still.
I know it's silly to be embarrassed by my IBS, but I got into a sweet spot where everyone in my life knew explicit details about my IBS and had come to terms with it. They accepted that me blogging about it was how I dealt with how singled out and lonely it makes me feel, and how I connected with other people like me. To them, it was part of knowing and loving Rachel. Now that I'm in a new place and have all of these new people with whom I interact, I don't know how to go back to not being embarrassed. I thought about just hiding the fact that I have IBS and trying to wiggle my way out of awkward situations (refusing food, etc), but I don't want to go back to living like that.
Yes, I talk about some graphic things on this blog, but the gruesome fact is that poop has ruined so many of our lives. Well, maybe not "ruined" for some of you, but most of us live our lives based on when we poop, what makes us poop, and figuring out how to change that and get back to normal. Talking about this on a public forum helps ME. And based on the amazing comments and emails I get from all of you, it helps you too. And that's why I put my embarrassment aside and talk about it as I would talk about it with my doctor, or fiance, or sister. Because just like poop, getting it all out just makes you feel better :) And joking around about it helps too.
Having a blog doesn't change the fact that I have IBS. It doesn't stop the urgency, doesn't quiet my stomach, and it sure as hell has not made it ok to eat pizza again, BUT I remember how lonely it was when this all started happening to me. I remember thinking that anything I put in my mouth might as well be poison because that's how it made me feel. I remembering avoiding anything but bread, rice or cereal and losing tons of weight because I didn't know what else to do and my doctor didn't know either. And then I found the about.com IBS page, and I learned something about IBS. I started making a list of what my trigger foods were and what foods I could safely eat, I read comments from people who sounded just like me and struggled through the same things I struggled through, and I thought, "What if I just blogged about what's happening to me? What if I wrote everything I know about IBS in one spot so someone newly diagnosed with IBS has somewhere to start, someone who's on their side, and someone who knows what it feels like to have a broken body?" So I started blogging. And someone emailed me and thanked me, and it was all worth it. If this blog helps a single person on their path to health or makes then feel like someone understands them when no one else does, then it has done its job. And because I know it has, I can get over this small embarrassment of coworkers judging how I deal with my personal struggles. Because I know you people are out there, and that you get me. And that's what matters.
I grew up. I realized I don't choose to have this Syndrome. I mean, who in the hell would choose to give up their favorite foods or feel super sick when they cave and eat things they shouldn't?? Just as someone with any other sickness (cancer, diabetes) did not choose what they have, neither did we. Anyway, I came to accept that this had become a part of who I am, and, just like any of my other quirks, if people didn't like this part of me, too freakin bad. My IBS defines most of how I live my life; I cannot just hide it away to make it less uncomfortable for you.
That was until I started at this new store. I suddenly realized that very few people there knew what IBS was, and even fewer knew that I had it. Some of my techs found out about it when I was talking to them about whether or not I counsel patients about constipation when they pick up pain meds. My comment was, "Well, if they're on it long-term, I talk to them about it, but if they're on it for a few days, I don't. Not many people like talking about poop." Someone responded saying that no one likes to talk about poop. My response, of course, was, "Well I blog about it." Obviously, this left everyone there basically clearing out their ears wondering if they could have really just heard what came out of my mouth. Once I assured them that is what I actually said, they had to look up my site, and they didn't like what they saw. My IBS had make someone feel uncomfortable, and I just knew they were all judging me for it. It probably didn't help that one of the first posts they saw was a detailed description of how my mornings usually go, but still.
I know it's silly to be embarrassed by my IBS, but I got into a sweet spot where everyone in my life knew explicit details about my IBS and had come to terms with it. They accepted that me blogging about it was how I dealt with how singled out and lonely it makes me feel, and how I connected with other people like me. To them, it was part of knowing and loving Rachel. Now that I'm in a new place and have all of these new people with whom I interact, I don't know how to go back to not being embarrassed. I thought about just hiding the fact that I have IBS and trying to wiggle my way out of awkward situations (refusing food, etc), but I don't want to go back to living like that.
Yes, I talk about some graphic things on this blog, but the gruesome fact is that poop has ruined so many of our lives. Well, maybe not "ruined" for some of you, but most of us live our lives based on when we poop, what makes us poop, and figuring out how to change that and get back to normal. Talking about this on a public forum helps ME. And based on the amazing comments and emails I get from all of you, it helps you too. And that's why I put my embarrassment aside and talk about it as I would talk about it with my doctor, or fiance, or sister. Because just like poop, getting it all out just makes you feel better :) And joking around about it helps too.
Having a blog doesn't change the fact that I have IBS. It doesn't stop the urgency, doesn't quiet my stomach, and it sure as hell has not made it ok to eat pizza again, BUT I remember how lonely it was when this all started happening to me. I remember thinking that anything I put in my mouth might as well be poison because that's how it made me feel. I remembering avoiding anything but bread, rice or cereal and losing tons of weight because I didn't know what else to do and my doctor didn't know either. And then I found the about.com IBS page, and I learned something about IBS. I started making a list of what my trigger foods were and what foods I could safely eat, I read comments from people who sounded just like me and struggled through the same things I struggled through, and I thought, "What if I just blogged about what's happening to me? What if I wrote everything I know about IBS in one spot so someone newly diagnosed with IBS has somewhere to start, someone who's on their side, and someone who knows what it feels like to have a broken body?" So I started blogging. And someone emailed me and thanked me, and it was all worth it. If this blog helps a single person on their path to health or makes then feel like someone understands them when no one else does, then it has done its job. And because I know it has, I can get over this small embarrassment of coworkers judging how I deal with my personal struggles. Because I know you people are out there, and that you get me. And that's what matters.
Monday, May 6, 2013
What I'm doing right now
A couple people have commented or emailed asking what I'm doing right now, so I thought I'd just go ahead and post about it.
Recently, I've been transitioning from being what they call a "floater" pharmacist to being in one store- my store, the one I've worked at as an intern for 5 years. I'm working under my mentor, and my hours are also getting shifted around, so it's causing some stress. Because of that, I've increased my daily dose of Imodium to a whole tablet at bedtime. Unfortunately, I've gotten pretty stopped up, so I quickly dropped back down to a half tablet at bedtime.
As a pharmacist, my life doesn't allow me to follow any type of diet. A lot of you have mentioned the FODMAP diet, but, honestly, I don't have time to figure that out right now. Along with still trying to get used to my schedule, we're also building a house right now which takes up a ton of my free time. When I work, I work from 8am to 10pm, and it's rare that I get to eat, let alone pee or sit or grab a sip of water. So any type of diet I would try would get screwed up every other day.
On my days off, I'm too exhausted from the day before and thinking about the next day of work to do anything other than pop a freezer meal in the microwave. My diet is pitiful. On my off days, I've been eating a bagel with peanut butter (for protein, so my blood sugar doesn't drop low) for breakfast, a snack for lunch, and a frozen Lean Cuisine meal for dinner. I of course have my safe Lean Cuisine meals- not all of them work for me, so I stick to 2-3 of them and repeat them day after day. On days that I work, I have the same breakfast and try to sneak in a protein bar and Rice Krispie bar (for a quick bit of sugar so I don't pass out) around 7pm when I start to feel faint, but I'm lucky if I get time for that.
This is killing me because I had gotten SO close to 140 pounds, which has been my goal since I got super sick after food poisoning 7 years ago. Now that I'm not able to eat hardly anything every other day, I'm dropping back down. Also, although I always thought that avoiding food would make me feel better when I was sick, I'm feeling worse and worse. I need to find some safe foods that I can take with me to work. Trying to eat while I know I'm going to be stuck at work for 10+ more hours is pretty terrifying.
So the answer to the question about what I'm doing right now, in a nutshell, is failing. It's mostly working- I haven't had a loose stool in a while, but that's mostly due to not eating very much and taking a higher dose of Imodium than I require. I've been bloated almost constantly, though, and it gets pretty painful somewhat often. And, of course, I'm just feeling weak and too skinny again. I've got to figure something out.
Do you guys have any ideas for safe, quick work foods- ones that I don't have to eat with my hands? (Remember, I'm a germaphobe who works in a pharmacy full of sick patients.) I'd love your input.
Recently, I've been transitioning from being what they call a "floater" pharmacist to being in one store- my store, the one I've worked at as an intern for 5 years. I'm working under my mentor, and my hours are also getting shifted around, so it's causing some stress. Because of that, I've increased my daily dose of Imodium to a whole tablet at bedtime. Unfortunately, I've gotten pretty stopped up, so I quickly dropped back down to a half tablet at bedtime.
As a pharmacist, my life doesn't allow me to follow any type of diet. A lot of you have mentioned the FODMAP diet, but, honestly, I don't have time to figure that out right now. Along with still trying to get used to my schedule, we're also building a house right now which takes up a ton of my free time. When I work, I work from 8am to 10pm, and it's rare that I get to eat, let alone pee or sit or grab a sip of water. So any type of diet I would try would get screwed up every other day.
On my days off, I'm too exhausted from the day before and thinking about the next day of work to do anything other than pop a freezer meal in the microwave. My diet is pitiful. On my off days, I've been eating a bagel with peanut butter (for protein, so my blood sugar doesn't drop low) for breakfast, a snack for lunch, and a frozen Lean Cuisine meal for dinner. I of course have my safe Lean Cuisine meals- not all of them work for me, so I stick to 2-3 of them and repeat them day after day. On days that I work, I have the same breakfast and try to sneak in a protein bar and Rice Krispie bar (for a quick bit of sugar so I don't pass out) around 7pm when I start to feel faint, but I'm lucky if I get time for that.
This is killing me because I had gotten SO close to 140 pounds, which has been my goal since I got super sick after food poisoning 7 years ago. Now that I'm not able to eat hardly anything every other day, I'm dropping back down. Also, although I always thought that avoiding food would make me feel better when I was sick, I'm feeling worse and worse. I need to find some safe foods that I can take with me to work. Trying to eat while I know I'm going to be stuck at work for 10+ more hours is pretty terrifying.
So the answer to the question about what I'm doing right now, in a nutshell, is failing. It's mostly working- I haven't had a loose stool in a while, but that's mostly due to not eating very much and taking a higher dose of Imodium than I require. I've been bloated almost constantly, though, and it gets pretty painful somewhat often. And, of course, I'm just feeling weak and too skinny again. I've got to figure something out.
Do you guys have any ideas for safe, quick work foods- ones that I don't have to eat with my hands? (Remember, I'm a germaphobe who works in a pharmacy full of sick patients.) I'd love your input.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Spending my life in the bathroom
URGENCY, wake up out of a dead sleep, run to the bathroom, sit on the toilet for half an hour while nothing happens. Legs go numb, stand up, wash hands, URGENCY, sit back down, repeat.
Go down to eat breakfast, put bagel in toaster, URGENCY, try to hold it off til after breakfast, eat breakfast, go upstairs, sit on toilet for half an hour, poop one pebble, horrible cramps while everything readjusts.
Get finished getting ready to go to work, URGENCY, sit down on toilet, nothing-you're late for work now.
Get home from work, have a fairly quiet evening, get tired enough to go peacefully to bed, URGENCY, sit on toilet until you're sure you'll never walk again in hopes that you won't repeat this morning, nothing.
Go to sleep, URGENCY, wake up, repeat...over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...until you give up.
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