We all know that people suck, in general, when it comes to accepting and respecting IBS as a real issue, and that is no different when it comes to in-laws. Some of you may be lucky enough to have family members that understand what you're going through, so this may be an even larger hurdle for you to jump than it was for me. My family, however, was not- is not- very understand or accepting of my IBS and has always given me trouble about it. Over 6000 of you have read my blog posts, but I bet you a million bucks that none of them have ever laid eyes on them.
But family is different. You can call them names, you can yell at them, and you can stick out your tongue at them before you walk away like a two year old. Chances are that a couple days down the road, one of you will need something and you'll forget it ever happened. Unfortunately, that's not the case with in-laws. You basically have to treat them like strangers, but the sucky part is that they're strangers who get to have an opinion about you. WORSE- they get to have an opinion about you and share that opinion with your fiance who shares their opinion with you. So then you know that they think you're a freak because you don't eat anything at the parties they throw. And that they think you're anorexic because they've never seen you eat. And that they think it's all in your head, and you just need to get over it.
You know what you get to do about it? Jack.shit. Because they're your in-laws. You have to keep the peace and remain tactful so you don't ruin your relationship with your significant other. Well, I guess that's not true. I have been able to do something about it. Here's my story:
I've been dating my fiance for over 9 years. I've had IBS since I was 7, but this current cycle of symptoms started about 2 years into our relationship, so he's had 7 years of dealing with this with me. Needless to say, he's learned a thing or two about what I go through day-to-day, so he gets it on the level that a person that it's not actually happening to can get it. His parents are Russian, and in Russian tradition, food and drink are VERY important and are basically the center of every good Russian party. And Russians (my Russians, at least) like to party. My family gets together mostly for major holidays and maybe birthdays if everyone can find a day off together. Russians celebrate EVERY holiday, EVERY birthday, and sometimes throw parties for what seems like just the heck of it. I've been to a LOT of parties over these 9 years.
Another thing about Russians is that it's considered rude to not accept food or drink when you're welcomed into their house. In the beginning, when I was having a symptom-free cycle, I was able to eat or drink anything. I was still my picky self, but I would still eat their food if I could figure out what it was. Once I got sick, I stopped eating anything anywhere except for the safest foods at home. At that time, I was completely afraid of all food because it would make me violently sick, and I was losing weight scarily fast. When I had to stop accepting food at their houses, I tried to explain what was happening, but it's very awkward talking about those kind of symptoms with people who haven't quite formed an opinion of you. I basically left the explanation at, "IBS makes me sensitive to foods that normal people can eat without a problem. When I eat those foods, I get very sick for days at a time."They didn't understand why an "upset stomach" was keeping me from eating the food they were offering me but just pretended to not care for many, many years.
Every now and then I would hear a story through my fiance about how they asked him, again, why I never ate anything. He said that he tried to explain it best he could, but they still thought it was just all in my head. I just needed to drink more vodka and it would cure me. You should have heard their reaction when I told them I couldn't drink alcohol. Yikes.
Anyway, fast forward to now, and I thought we had it all covered, but no. All of the extended family and family friends have finally stopped asking me at every party why I'm not eating; they've just accepted it as my way of life. But my fiance came home the other day after visiting his parents, and he said that he thought his step-mom finally understood it. They had an argument about whether or not it was all in my head, and he thinks he finally got through to her...7 years later. He explained that it's not just an upset stomach, and that it affects every facet of my life. How I have to consider what I'm going to eat if I'm going to be away from home for too long. How I have to plan out where I can use the restrooms in case an urge hits me. How I can't eat at work all day long so I don't have an episode and have to leave. How I have to avoid the food I've always loved because it kills my insides. How I'm in pain every single day. How I go to sleep every night with a heating pad on. How I have no social life because I'm tired of people being weirded out by me not eating.
And they finally understood the profound effect this continues to have on my life. Even though I currently consider myself to be in a fairly symptom-free cycle, I still struggle day-to-day. I'm not having diarrhea every single day, but the urgency and cramps are still there. I still have to avoid my trigger foods for the fear that my IBS will come raging back. So, they are right in some regard. IBS has changed the way I think. But any disease changes the way you think.
Alright, I got a little off topic. I think the best way to deal with in-laws is to make sure your fiance or husband/wife understands your disease as well as they can. They are the ones who will most likely be explaining what's going on with you to their curious family. Don't let their opinions get to you. Just like any stranger on the street, they don't understand IBS and they're going to think the worst of it. I've decided that IBS is treated basically like mental health diseases are. They aren't considered "real" by society yet. That's not your problem, that's theirs. If they never understand it, you just have to stop trying to get them to understand. It's too much stress to put that on yourself. And we all know you don't need more stress. Over time, your new family will grow to love you and your IBS will just become an odd quirk to them in the worst case, and life-altering condition in the best case.
Just remember- in the end, the only person you need to understand you completely is your significant other. Anyone else who wants to get it is just icing on the cake you can't eat.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Wedding Series: Snagging the guy...or more like keeping the guy around after you start talking about poop
I'm not sure whether or not I've talked much about my guy on here, but I figured it was the most logical place to start the wedding series. I get a lot of comments and emails about dating and finding a partner from my readers. I'd say you, as a group, are most worried first about how IBS is affecting your life negatively and second about finding someone who will love you and accept your condition.
Everyone always asks me what I recommend for finding the love of their life, and my answer is always the same. Um, just let it happen? It would be the same whether or not you had IBS because love is not something you can script; it really does just happen. The part I can talk about is how you keep your partner around after all the poop talk starts :)
I got lucky in many, many ways. I had been sick for as long as I could remember, but for some reason it all stopped in high school. When I met my guy, I was completely well. I was as normal as normal could be, and obviously that made things a lot easier in the beginning. We became best friends, eventually started dating, and then suddenly fell deeply in love. About 3 years after that, I got very, very sick. At that point there really was no turning back. He couldn't just be like, "Ew, you poop all the time and talk about it, so I'm leaving you." However, I feel like the same things we had to go through in the beginning apply to everyone, so I'm going to tell you how we were able to transform as a couple after IBS struck again, get over the awkward phase, and live happily ever after.
Poop is awkward. No one is born being comfortable talking about it because that's not how our society is built. Pooping is a very personal and private thing, and society expects you to keep it that way. But when you start dating someone, you start sharing things that are normally private. If you had a rough childhood, you can share that with your partner. If you are out and start feeling bored, you can whisper that to your partner and leave with them. There are certain things that become ok to share with a former stranger simply because you're together now. But not poop. It is NOT ok to talk about poop. So what happens when poop starts to rule your life? With IBS it becomes such a large part of your life, so how are you supposed to keep that private? How can you be expected to keep something like that from someone who spends a large part of their time with you and eventually lives with you? Or do you share it with them?
That's for you two to decide. Not everyone is alike, so it might not be something that you will ever talk about. Personally, having him allow me to talk about it when I need to has drastically improved my quality of life. If I had to keep everything that was happening to me private, I would still be incredibly depressed and feel alone, or worse. For us, sharing my IBS was the best thing for us and has actually brought us closer together.
If you read my post about being embarrassed by IBS, you should know that (I think) you should not be embarrassed about it. Nor should you allow other people to make you feel embarrassed about it. That goes for your partner. I would hope that whomever you choose to fall in love with accepts you, and if you choose to be open about your IBS, they should be accepting of that as well.
In the beginning, I started off taking things very slow. When I started noticing that my symptoms were coming back, I didn't really say anything. On the night I got food poisoning and my IBS was triggered to start back up, I didn't even share what was going on with him. There he was sleeping right next to me, and he didn't know then how sick I was feeling. He didn't know until I woke him up begging him to take me home. After that, if I didn't feel well I would just tell him I didn't feel like hanging out or that I had homework to get done. As I realized that my symptoms weren't going to go away, I didn't want to hide it as much anymore. I would tell him that my stomach hurt and that I needed to stay in. Luckily, he was more than happy to stay in with me. We ended up spending New Year's alone in my apartment where he made me something off the BRAT diet and we just talked all night.
It continued like that for a long time. From the beginning, I think he just thought that my food poisoning had lingered longer than it should have. Since the IBS symptoms had disappeared completely during high school, I didn't feel like I needed to tell anyone. After I realized my symptoms weren't going away, I decided to tell him about what I had dealt with as a kid and what I was dealing with now. I explained that it most likely wouldn't go away quickly and that I could be sick for a really long time. I told him I would need him to be patient with me but that I definitely didn't want to hold him back from going out with friends just because I wasn't feeling well. This is where I go back to talking about being lucky. He wasn't ok with that. He wanted to take care of me when I was sick instead of going out and partying. He was content just sitting at home with me, bringing me my medicine, and making sure I had my heating pad. Personally, I feel like hiding it from him would have made him think he was doing something wrong and I didn't want to hang out with him. Being open and telling him I was sick allowed him to realize that there was something external causing our relationship to change.
But you have to remember this was before I turned into what I am today: the girl who blogs about poop and isn't afraid to mention it in normal conversation. You also have to remember that we've been dating for 9 years a week from today. Our relationship has evolved slowly over that time, and he has slowly become more and more ok with my symptoms and talking about them. Right now, we talk about almost everything except shape and color. It has become a completely normal part of our relationship because it is something that affects my life so entirely. He knows that it's important to me, so it's important to him.
What I suggest is that you date like a normal person. Obviously you'll have to make some changes to accommodate your IBS. Find restaurants in your area that have a "safe" meal you can order when you go out, has clean bathrooms for you to use, and is within an acceptable distance from your house should you feel sick. Do some calming exercises before you go out to mentally prepare yourself to relax. Calming your nerves before a date is almost impossible, but just do everything you can do to make yourself feel comfortable while you're out. Bring all the medicine that you need and come up with an excuse should you have to leave early.
But most of all, don't sell yourself short. You are a good catch; your IBS doesn't change that. It doesn't make you gross or undesirable. Someone out there will love you, and, with time and understanding, will accept your condition as well. Once you find someone you want to be with, slowly introduce them to your IBS like I did. I wouldn't lay it all on them at once, but you need to make sure they're ok with your day to day limitations and that they will be for a long, long time. I worry every day whether or not my guy will eventually get tired of me holding him back from a "full" life since I'm stuck on the couch more often than most people. But I can't stress enough that you need to surround yourself with people who accept you, IBS and all. A lot of us have family members or friends that make us feel strange because of what has happened to us. You can't choose family, and a lot of times you can't kick one friend out of the group, but you can choose your mate. If you start dating someone and they're completely grossed out by your IBS, move along. If someone can't accept that you have a condition that affects your life, they're not worth your time.
Everyone always asks me what I recommend for finding the love of their life, and my answer is always the same. Um, just let it happen? It would be the same whether or not you had IBS because love is not something you can script; it really does just happen. The part I can talk about is how you keep your partner around after all the poop talk starts :)
I got lucky in many, many ways. I had been sick for as long as I could remember, but for some reason it all stopped in high school. When I met my guy, I was completely well. I was as normal as normal could be, and obviously that made things a lot easier in the beginning. We became best friends, eventually started dating, and then suddenly fell deeply in love. About 3 years after that, I got very, very sick. At that point there really was no turning back. He couldn't just be like, "Ew, you poop all the time and talk about it, so I'm leaving you." However, I feel like the same things we had to go through in the beginning apply to everyone, so I'm going to tell you how we were able to transform as a couple after IBS struck again, get over the awkward phase, and live happily ever after.
Poop is awkward. No one is born being comfortable talking about it because that's not how our society is built. Pooping is a very personal and private thing, and society expects you to keep it that way. But when you start dating someone, you start sharing things that are normally private. If you had a rough childhood, you can share that with your partner. If you are out and start feeling bored, you can whisper that to your partner and leave with them. There are certain things that become ok to share with a former stranger simply because you're together now. But not poop. It is NOT ok to talk about poop. So what happens when poop starts to rule your life? With IBS it becomes such a large part of your life, so how are you supposed to keep that private? How can you be expected to keep something like that from someone who spends a large part of their time with you and eventually lives with you? Or do you share it with them?
That's for you two to decide. Not everyone is alike, so it might not be something that you will ever talk about. Personally, having him allow me to talk about it when I need to has drastically improved my quality of life. If I had to keep everything that was happening to me private, I would still be incredibly depressed and feel alone, or worse. For us, sharing my IBS was the best thing for us and has actually brought us closer together.
If you read my post about being embarrassed by IBS, you should know that (I think) you should not be embarrassed about it. Nor should you allow other people to make you feel embarrassed about it. That goes for your partner. I would hope that whomever you choose to fall in love with accepts you, and if you choose to be open about your IBS, they should be accepting of that as well.
In the beginning, I started off taking things very slow. When I started noticing that my symptoms were coming back, I didn't really say anything. On the night I got food poisoning and my IBS was triggered to start back up, I didn't even share what was going on with him. There he was sleeping right next to me, and he didn't know then how sick I was feeling. He didn't know until I woke him up begging him to take me home. After that, if I didn't feel well I would just tell him I didn't feel like hanging out or that I had homework to get done. As I realized that my symptoms weren't going to go away, I didn't want to hide it as much anymore. I would tell him that my stomach hurt and that I needed to stay in. Luckily, he was more than happy to stay in with me. We ended up spending New Year's alone in my apartment where he made me something off the BRAT diet and we just talked all night.
It continued like that for a long time. From the beginning, I think he just thought that my food poisoning had lingered longer than it should have. Since the IBS symptoms had disappeared completely during high school, I didn't feel like I needed to tell anyone. After I realized my symptoms weren't going away, I decided to tell him about what I had dealt with as a kid and what I was dealing with now. I explained that it most likely wouldn't go away quickly and that I could be sick for a really long time. I told him I would need him to be patient with me but that I definitely didn't want to hold him back from going out with friends just because I wasn't feeling well. This is where I go back to talking about being lucky. He wasn't ok with that. He wanted to take care of me when I was sick instead of going out and partying. He was content just sitting at home with me, bringing me my medicine, and making sure I had my heating pad. Personally, I feel like hiding it from him would have made him think he was doing something wrong and I didn't want to hang out with him. Being open and telling him I was sick allowed him to realize that there was something external causing our relationship to change.
But you have to remember this was before I turned into what I am today: the girl who blogs about poop and isn't afraid to mention it in normal conversation. You also have to remember that we've been dating for 9 years a week from today. Our relationship has evolved slowly over that time, and he has slowly become more and more ok with my symptoms and talking about them. Right now, we talk about almost everything except shape and color. It has become a completely normal part of our relationship because it is something that affects my life so entirely. He knows that it's important to me, so it's important to him.
What I suggest is that you date like a normal person. Obviously you'll have to make some changes to accommodate your IBS. Find restaurants in your area that have a "safe" meal you can order when you go out, has clean bathrooms for you to use, and is within an acceptable distance from your house should you feel sick. Do some calming exercises before you go out to mentally prepare yourself to relax. Calming your nerves before a date is almost impossible, but just do everything you can do to make yourself feel comfortable while you're out. Bring all the medicine that you need and come up with an excuse should you have to leave early.
But most of all, don't sell yourself short. You are a good catch; your IBS doesn't change that. It doesn't make you gross or undesirable. Someone out there will love you, and, with time and understanding, will accept your condition as well. Once you find someone you want to be with, slowly introduce them to your IBS like I did. I wouldn't lay it all on them at once, but you need to make sure they're ok with your day to day limitations and that they will be for a long, long time. I worry every day whether or not my guy will eventually get tired of me holding him back from a "full" life since I'm stuck on the couch more often than most people. But I can't stress enough that you need to surround yourself with people who accept you, IBS and all. A lot of us have family members or friends that make us feel strange because of what has happened to us. You can't choose family, and a lot of times you can't kick one friend out of the group, but you can choose your mate. If you start dating someone and they're completely grossed out by your IBS, move along. If someone can't accept that you have a condition that affects your life, they're not worth your time.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Weddings and IBS Series
I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but I'm getting married!! I've been dating my now fiance for 9 years this November and we got engaged last December. As we're about a year away from our wedding, we're full-on wedding planning now.
From the moment I got sick, I was terrified about getting married and not for normal reasons. I was terrified that I'd be in the middle of my vows and suddenly have to run to the bathroom. Or that I'd be able to try on one dress before having to head home to the heating pad. Then it hit me the other day that other IBSers might wonder how someone would deal with all of the things that weddings bring and get through it without any major, wedding-stopping episodes.
So I'm going to start blogging about different experiences I'm having during the planning process and how I'm dealing with them. This will obviously be more helpful for the women since, well, I'm a woman, but let's face it- standing up in front of hundreds of people is anxiety-inducing in even a completely well person and will definitely fuel the IBS fire.
If there are any questions you have about specific parts of the process that I don't answer as we go through this series or anything you want to make sure I touch on before I really get blogging, let me know! Hope you guys find this useful :)
From the moment I got sick, I was terrified about getting married and not for normal reasons. I was terrified that I'd be in the middle of my vows and suddenly have to run to the bathroom. Or that I'd be able to try on one dress before having to head home to the heating pad. Then it hit me the other day that other IBSers might wonder how someone would deal with all of the things that weddings bring and get through it without any major, wedding-stopping episodes.
So I'm going to start blogging about different experiences I'm having during the planning process and how I'm dealing with them. This will obviously be more helpful for the women since, well, I'm a woman, but let's face it- standing up in front of hundreds of people is anxiety-inducing in even a completely well person and will definitely fuel the IBS fire.
If there are any questions you have about specific parts of the process that I don't answer as we go through this series or anything you want to make sure I touch on before I really get blogging, let me know! Hope you guys find this useful :)
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Embarrassed by IBS
I used to be embarrassed by my IBS. If I was going through a rough patch where it was completely necessary to always have instant access to a bathroom, I would just stay at home. I couldn't fathom my friends knowing I was having stomach issues. If my stomach would make ridiculous noises, I would turn red and apologize profusely to anyone within range. I'd grin and eat whatever I was offered because I didn't want to have to answer questions about why I was refusing or make the host feel bad. In short, I was embarrassed by my IBS. If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you'll know that time is long gone. I share all :)
I grew up. I realized I don't choose to have this Syndrome. I mean, who in the hell would choose to give up their favorite foods or feel super sick when they cave and eat things they shouldn't?? Just as someone with any other sickness (cancer, diabetes) did not choose what they have, neither did we. Anyway, I came to accept that this had become a part of who I am, and, just like any of my other quirks, if people didn't like this part of me, too freakin bad. My IBS defines most of how I live my life; I cannot just hide it away to make it less uncomfortable for you.
That was until I started at this new store. I suddenly realized that very few people there knew what IBS was, and even fewer knew that I had it. Some of my techs found out about it when I was talking to them about whether or not I counsel patients about constipation when they pick up pain meds. My comment was, "Well, if they're on it long-term, I talk to them about it, but if they're on it for a few days, I don't. Not many people like talking about poop." Someone responded saying that no one likes to talk about poop. My response, of course, was, "Well I blog about it." Obviously, this left everyone there basically clearing out their ears wondering if they could have really just heard what came out of my mouth. Once I assured them that is what I actually said, they had to look up my site, and they didn't like what they saw. My IBS had make someone feel uncomfortable, and I just knew they were all judging me for it. It probably didn't help that one of the first posts they saw was a detailed description of how my mornings usually go, but still.
I know it's silly to be embarrassed by my IBS, but I got into a sweet spot where everyone in my life knew explicit details about my IBS and had come to terms with it. They accepted that me blogging about it was how I dealt with how singled out and lonely it makes me feel, and how I connected with other people like me. To them, it was part of knowing and loving Rachel. Now that I'm in a new place and have all of these new people with whom I interact, I don't know how to go back to not being embarrassed. I thought about just hiding the fact that I have IBS and trying to wiggle my way out of awkward situations (refusing food, etc), but I don't want to go back to living like that.
Yes, I talk about some graphic things on this blog, but the gruesome fact is that poop has ruined so many of our lives. Well, maybe not "ruined" for some of you, but most of us live our lives based on when we poop, what makes us poop, and figuring out how to change that and get back to normal. Talking about this on a public forum helps ME. And based on the amazing comments and emails I get from all of you, it helps you too. And that's why I put my embarrassment aside and talk about it as I would talk about it with my doctor, or fiance, or sister. Because just like poop, getting it all out just makes you feel better :) And joking around about it helps too.
Having a blog doesn't change the fact that I have IBS. It doesn't stop the urgency, doesn't quiet my stomach, and it sure as hell has not made it ok to eat pizza again, BUT I remember how lonely it was when this all started happening to me. I remember thinking that anything I put in my mouth might as well be poison because that's how it made me feel. I remembering avoiding anything but bread, rice or cereal and losing tons of weight because I didn't know what else to do and my doctor didn't know either. And then I found the about.com IBS page, and I learned something about IBS. I started making a list of what my trigger foods were and what foods I could safely eat, I read comments from people who sounded just like me and struggled through the same things I struggled through, and I thought, "What if I just blogged about what's happening to me? What if I wrote everything I know about IBS in one spot so someone newly diagnosed with IBS has somewhere to start, someone who's on their side, and someone who knows what it feels like to have a broken body?" So I started blogging. And someone emailed me and thanked me, and it was all worth it. If this blog helps a single person on their path to health or makes then feel like someone understands them when no one else does, then it has done its job. And because I know it has, I can get over this small embarrassment of coworkers judging how I deal with my personal struggles. Because I know you people are out there, and that you get me. And that's what matters.
I grew up. I realized I don't choose to have this Syndrome. I mean, who in the hell would choose to give up their favorite foods or feel super sick when they cave and eat things they shouldn't?? Just as someone with any other sickness (cancer, diabetes) did not choose what they have, neither did we. Anyway, I came to accept that this had become a part of who I am, and, just like any of my other quirks, if people didn't like this part of me, too freakin bad. My IBS defines most of how I live my life; I cannot just hide it away to make it less uncomfortable for you.
That was until I started at this new store. I suddenly realized that very few people there knew what IBS was, and even fewer knew that I had it. Some of my techs found out about it when I was talking to them about whether or not I counsel patients about constipation when they pick up pain meds. My comment was, "Well, if they're on it long-term, I talk to them about it, but if they're on it for a few days, I don't. Not many people like talking about poop." Someone responded saying that no one likes to talk about poop. My response, of course, was, "Well I blog about it." Obviously, this left everyone there basically clearing out their ears wondering if they could have really just heard what came out of my mouth. Once I assured them that is what I actually said, they had to look up my site, and they didn't like what they saw. My IBS had make someone feel uncomfortable, and I just knew they were all judging me for it. It probably didn't help that one of the first posts they saw was a detailed description of how my mornings usually go, but still.
I know it's silly to be embarrassed by my IBS, but I got into a sweet spot where everyone in my life knew explicit details about my IBS and had come to terms with it. They accepted that me blogging about it was how I dealt with how singled out and lonely it makes me feel, and how I connected with other people like me. To them, it was part of knowing and loving Rachel. Now that I'm in a new place and have all of these new people with whom I interact, I don't know how to go back to not being embarrassed. I thought about just hiding the fact that I have IBS and trying to wiggle my way out of awkward situations (refusing food, etc), but I don't want to go back to living like that.
Yes, I talk about some graphic things on this blog, but the gruesome fact is that poop has ruined so many of our lives. Well, maybe not "ruined" for some of you, but most of us live our lives based on when we poop, what makes us poop, and figuring out how to change that and get back to normal. Talking about this on a public forum helps ME. And based on the amazing comments and emails I get from all of you, it helps you too. And that's why I put my embarrassment aside and talk about it as I would talk about it with my doctor, or fiance, or sister. Because just like poop, getting it all out just makes you feel better :) And joking around about it helps too.
Having a blog doesn't change the fact that I have IBS. It doesn't stop the urgency, doesn't quiet my stomach, and it sure as hell has not made it ok to eat pizza again, BUT I remember how lonely it was when this all started happening to me. I remember thinking that anything I put in my mouth might as well be poison because that's how it made me feel. I remembering avoiding anything but bread, rice or cereal and losing tons of weight because I didn't know what else to do and my doctor didn't know either. And then I found the about.com IBS page, and I learned something about IBS. I started making a list of what my trigger foods were and what foods I could safely eat, I read comments from people who sounded just like me and struggled through the same things I struggled through, and I thought, "What if I just blogged about what's happening to me? What if I wrote everything I know about IBS in one spot so someone newly diagnosed with IBS has somewhere to start, someone who's on their side, and someone who knows what it feels like to have a broken body?" So I started blogging. And someone emailed me and thanked me, and it was all worth it. If this blog helps a single person on their path to health or makes then feel like someone understands them when no one else does, then it has done its job. And because I know it has, I can get over this small embarrassment of coworkers judging how I deal with my personal struggles. Because I know you people are out there, and that you get me. And that's what matters.
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