Monday, November 16, 2009

A Flashback to the Past

I have been so lucky in the past year or so. Too lucky. So lucky I almost feel like I'm running out of luck. About a year ago, my symptoms quickly started to vanish. As I would try new foods, I found that almost none of them brought on symptoms that they had days or weeks before. I found myself spending less time in the bathroom or bed, and more time out doing things I actually wanted to be doing. I felt guilty for that. I still do.

When I say, "I have IBS" now, I feel like I'm a bad person. The IBS I have now is nothing compared to what I had over a year ago. This is a joke compared to that. I still experience flashbacks, or relapses, to those horrible days and exhausting symptoms, but I hardly ever have the urgency, my stools are perfect now, I go weeks without the pain, and I am eating closer to a normal diet. I have PIZZA about two times a week. PIZZA! Two years ago, I never thought I'd taste it again. Granted, it's the freezer kind which is much more predictable in terms of ingredients and fat content, but I still never believed I'd be to this point.

With that said, something happened today. At lunchtime, I was making a turkey sandwich, but when I pulled the turkey out of the package, I noticed there was something that looked like a fingernail in the middle of each of the slices. I'm sure it was just a piece of cartilage or bone from the turkey, but I couldn't determine exactly what it was or be ok with eating it. So I threw the sandwich away. I was upset after that because I had been looking forward to having it. When I get upset about a meal going awry, I tend to console myself by eating junk food. I know this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but it's what I do. When I get stressed, I turn to food. When I'm stressed and eat the wrong food, I get sick. My logic defies me. Anyway, when I say junk food remember- I mean junk food that has received the "Rachel Seal of Approval." These are foods I've tested out and made sure that they don't make me sick.

But tonight, I picked two things that had been sitting in my pantry for a while. And I also went a little overboard. I had a stressful day today between school and Koopa acting like a nut, so I believe that contributed to it quite a bit. So now I'm laying in bed, unable to do anything except blog and try to focus on computer-based homework. Koopa is downstairs and his chain is jingling a ton which means he is probably causing even more of a headache. Alexey is at work, so I'm the only one who can deal with it. But I can't.

I feel absolutely worthless, but I can't do a damn thing to fix it. I have to sit here with my heating pad and be ready to run to the bathroom. No matter how guilty I have felt lately for having an "easier" form of IBS for the past year, I would never want to revert to my days being spent in bed next to the bathroom. This is torture. As I lay here, all I can think about is how much I want to be out of bed doing this or that. And it leaves me no choice but to think about things I don't want to think about. Like, "what if I never get rid of this? What if it sticks around for my whole life?" Or "this is going to keep me from having kids."

I'll have to save expanding that last thought for a later post because this one is already getting pretty long. I just know that I do not miss feeling like this at all.

Here's to heating pads that make it "bearable" and kitties that lounge in bed with you. :)

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