New post!

**Please forgive my grammar/spelling/form...I haven't written for a LONG time**

Something happened a couple of weeks ago that was so exciting...a reader emailed me! I don't have the typical IBS blog. I don't offer you guys very much advice or give you awesome recipes to use like this blog. I mostly just blog about my life and experiences in the hope that someone out there reads it and thinks, "Holy crap! I thought I was the only one who felt that way!" I try to be extremely open & not hold anything back. Anyway, my point is that I'm happy that someone finally read this thing and found they could relate. I really like hearing from readers and other people with IBS.

There are so many of us out there, but very few of us are comfortable enough to really share what's going on with our health. Even though we all have different symptoms, we can all relate.  We're like the depression of GI diseases. Get what I mean? A lot of people didn't used to believe that depression was a legit disease. They thought it was all in their head- that there wasn't a physiological cause for it. Since researchers haven't found a physiological cause for IBS, a lot of people think it's just in our head also or that we're just using it as an excuse.

In my case, I've had a hard time getting my family and acquaintances to believe me. Up until about a year ago I think they actually believed I was anorexic. Because they can't imagine food affecting someone the way it affects me, I had to be anorexic. Why else would anyone avoid food? As for people that are pretty much strangers to me- they feel like they can say whatever they want. (If you haven't read the long version of my skinny rant, click here.) Over the summer I had an internship at a hospital and had one of the craziest things said to me. One of the techs at the hospital actually asked me how I make myself vomit. I just stood there for a second trying to piece together some type of response. All I could get out was, "WHAT?!" His response, "Well you're bulimic, so how do you do it?" I told him I was NOT bulimic, and he said, "Ok, well anorexic then. Whatever." I was fuming mad...I mean so.freaking.mad. Even after I explained why I'm so skinny, he still acted like he didn't believe me.

Now I know that IBS is not as serious as, say, cancer. From what I know, it's not life threatening. However, that does not mean that it's not life altering or that it doesn't seriously decrease my quality of life. A teacher of mine recently suggested that I get in touch with the Service for Students with Disabilities. He suggested this because I had to miss a couple of in class assignment due to being sick and stuck in the bathroom. At first I was completely stunned. Disabled? Me?

When I think of a disabled person, I think of someone without a leg, or someone with a speech disability. I definitely don't think of able-bodied me. But when I started reading through the information on their website, I realized something...and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I am disabled. I have a disease that holds me back from doing things that normal, healthy people can do. Things like getting out of bed the morning after having a slice of pizza and being able to get to class for a test. Or something fun like going on a class float trip.

Having IBS is not having the occasional upset stomach. That happens to normal, healthy people. What happens to us is not normal. We have a disease. I used to back down and say, "Well I have a syndrome...they don't really know what it is." You know what would happen after that? People would respond with, "Oh yeah, that happens to me all the time. It's the fast food curse." While I don't want to sound uppity and respond with, "You have no idea what this is like," that's what I feel like saying. People without IBS don't go around with constant cramps in their stomach, don't get trapped in the bathroom when even loperamide doesn't work, and they don't have to avoid over 1/2 of the foods that make up a normal diet just to feel somewhat like a normal person. They don't avoid going to restaurants. They go out and drink on the weekends. They definitely don't sit around thinking about how they're going to make the word "diarrhea" as socially acceptable as vomit. They eat salad. They eat nuts. They don't have to plan out trips depending on where bathrooms are. What I have is a disease, and I won't deny that ever again.

Scientists haven't figured out what causes IBS (yet), but I'm positive that they will someday. They will find a physiological cause. I even think that IBS will lose it's name and be defined as a set of more descriptive diseases with some common thread. My hope (goal, even) is that people will recognize it as a serious illness even before they find the cause. Hell, if I can make 100 more people realize that it's not ok to laugh and ask, "Your bowels are irritable?!" when I tell them I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I will feel like I've accomplished something.

What I ask of you, reader(s?), is to not be afraid to tell people what having IBS is like. Maybe some of you don't feel as strongly as I do, and you're not sure it's a disease. That's fine. But try to help others understand what we have to go through. Don't take the easy way out and say, "I have a tummy ache." You don't have to tell them that you had uncontrollable, raging diarrhea last night, but at least try to explain it in a slightly more detailed manner so that they can see that's it's something real and something that seriously affects your life. No one else is going to stand up for us and get the ball rolling with IBS research if we're not going to stand behind them. I can't be the only one who thinks it's crazy that after all these years they still have no idea what IBS really is...

Finals are over!

And thank god! I'm honestly not sure I could have taken another day. I'm so mentally exhausted it's not even funny. Surprisingly though, the end of the year was actually better than the beginning for once. Usually, I start off the year completely stress free and just sail through the months. Then, finals get here and I FREAK OUT! I can't believe how stupid I was to sail through and slack off so I now have to study super hard to get the grades I want in class.

Well, this semester was different. After losing my grandma, I failed a test and freaked out all semester about it. I literally thought my life was over. But then I was sitting down about two weeks before finals figuring out what I needed to get on the final to pass the class (a C is passing in this class- anything lower is a big fat F...and I'd be set back a whole year). Anyway, I put all my grades into a spreadsheet (this class is very confusing points-wise) and I sat there stunned. There was NO way I only needed a 69/120 to pass the class! So I re-checked everything and sure enough, it was right!

Even though I didn't need to freak out about any of the 5 finals I had, I still stressed a little bit. I mean FIVE big tests in one week is insane. My brain is complete mush right now. My body held up pretty well though. I was stupid and pushed a little too hard a couple of days and paid for it, but it was no where near as bad as when I was stressing out hardcore all semester.

I'm hoping that now that class is over, I can focus on getting myself back into shape- gaining some weight and muscle. I also really need to work on my cardio. Is that how you say it? I never know. All I know is I can only run like a yard before I can't breathe and that's no bueno.

Now I have all the time I need (until my rotation in June) to make all the doctor appointments I want and get a few steps closer to HEALTH. I'm hoping I can accomplish at least that by the time I start school again- just to be a little more healthy than I am now.

Pessimism

I am so incredibly pessimistic when it comes to my IBS. I learned this after Lindsay blogged about being content about IBS. Then she tweeted and asked us to share something we liked about our IBS. 

It really got me thinking, What do I like about having IBS? I laid in bed that night trying so hard to come up with something positive about having this disease. And when I say hard, I mean HARD! I must have thought about it for a good 2 hours straight. You know what I came up with? Jack shit.

However, I did come up with a boat load of things I hated about having IBS. I thought about everything it had stolen from me in the past few years. Now, this was really bad timing. My boyfriend and I had just had a long discussion earlier that day about things we missed about the way our relationship used to be...you know, before my IBS rared its ugly head again.

So what did I come up with, you ask? Well....

• I'm no longer able to be "intimate" with my boyfriend like we were before. I mean most days I don't even feel well enough to kiss him! 
• We used to go on little dates weekly to our favorite restaurants around town. I miss those so much because we also miss out on a lot of the conversation we used to have.
• Movies are a no go because no matter what (even if I've eaten well) I start to feel sick about halfway through the movie. I think a huge part of that is in my head- I'm nervous about not being able to leave, so I cause symptoms. Either way, movies are out of the picture now.
• Standing up sucks because I can't eat well enough to maintain my nutrition. Now every time I stand up, I have to stand still for 30 seconds or more so I don't fall over.
• Cereal, spaghettios, bagels, cereal, spaghettios, bagels, cereal, spaghettios, bagels. UGHHHHH. Enough said?
• I can't gain any weight. This is not only annoying but also pretty scary. When I have episodes, I tend to lose 5-10 pounds from losing so much water. My weight drops down to scary levels too often. Not to mention, I don't like having shrimpy arms and bony hips. 
• Constant gassiness. Annoying for obvious reasons- but it also hurts like hell and is extremely uncomfortable. Also, see my first bullet point...
• It has taken away my social life almost completely. Trying to explain IBS to new people is difficult and embarrassing. Most people don't get it and they end up saying, "Well just have a salad!" Ugh. So now I just avoid social situations so I don't have to explain and feel out of place.
• Also, has anyone else noticed how social gatherings ALWAYS involve food and/or alcoholic drinks? IBS nightmare!
• I used to be the one everyone depended on. I'd cover shifts, always show up, always show up on time, and never have to call in to work. Now I need my shifts covered, have to cancel on plans all the time, show up to things late because of unexpected stomach problems, and call in to work so often. I hate that. It makes me feel pretty damn worthless and like I'm letting people down.
• I spend quite a bit of time hating my life. I guess you could call it depression, but it really only has to do with IBS. My life - IBS = LOVE IT. My life + IBS = HATE IT
• I used to have bad periods. Haha, I had NO clue.
• Oh, I forgot to mention my horrible symptoms.
• It has made me more lazy and way less productive. I spend more time laying in bed with a heating pad than anything else nowadays.
• I used to get up early on Tuesdays or Fridays and volunteer serving breakfast to homeless people. However, if I try to wake up before 8am my body hates me and I have symptoms for no good reason. No more volunteering :(
• I used to enjoy food, now I fear it. 
• Altering other people's lives. This might be the most depressing thing of all. My boyfriend doesn't enjoy life as much anymore because all we do is sit around. Although he has all of our friends that he could hang out with, he's caring enough that he wants to hang at home with me and make sure I'm ok instead of going out with them. Even though he has decided this for himself, I still feel bad about putting him in that position in the first place.

I'm sure I could go on and on and on, but I won't bore you. And I'm pretty positive you get the picture. IBS has screwed up my life royally. While other people try to look at it optimistically, after more than a decade of dealing with this shit (haha), I'm done with optimism- it hasn't gotten me anywhere. 

Fun facts

I haven't felt like writing a long post in a while, but I don't want another IBS blog to "close down" so to say. So I'm going to do a few little fun facts that I've noticed lately:

• I base my eating habits on my stomach gurgles.
• If I try something new, I take a bite and wait 5-10 minutes. If it doesn't make any "bad" gurgles, we're good. If it does, either the boyfriend or the sink gets the food
• When I'm eating and my stomach starts to gurgle, I put the food down until the gurgles go away. If they don't go away- food to the boyfriend/sink.
• This has seriously improved my symptoms since I started doing it. It seems ridiculous, but I think of it as letting my stomach deal with what it has and not overloading it. Sounds like a good idea to me.
•  When I'm not sure if I should keep eating, I stop. If I've ever gone past that point because "I think it'll probably be fine," it's ended badly. 
• My stomach/intestines make noises my boyfriend's don't after we've eaten the same meal. They're drastically different. While mine sounds more like a constantly rushing, large stream, his sounds like a spurt every once in a while.
• Drinking a meal that has a high potential to do damage to your stomach is better handled with a Pepsi or rootbeer. I know a lot of people can't have caffeine, so I'm sorry! But I've been able to handle it again in the past few months.
• One of my huge problems with hard-on-the-stomach meals is gas. If I have a caffeinated beverage, I burp a lot more afterward. This really helps relieve a lot of the pressure and pain from the meal. If you can handle it, you might want to try it- unless you're lady-like and don't burp :)

Well, that's all for now! The end of the semester is approaching quickly, and I'm trying to stay ahead of everything so I don't get too stressed out.