Do you ever get the feeling you're annoying people with your IBS?

Have you ever noticed that when your IBS limitations come up around some people, they almost seem to be offended?

"What do you mean you can't eat that? It's a salad! Salad is healthy!"
"Hey, I'm gonna go grab something to eat; want anything? Oh, wait, of course you don't. You don't ever want anything."
"Next time you take a drink I'm taking a picture because I don't think I've ever seen you eat or drink anything."
"No wonder you're so skinny. You don't ever eat anything." :DEATH GLARE DEATH GLARE DEATH GLARE:
"Are you sure you can't eat that? You could just try a little; I'm sure it wouldn't hurt."
"Well I want to go to ____ for dinner, but is there even anything you can eat there?" (in an annoyed voice)
"My stomach gets upset after I eat sometimes, and it doesn't ruin my life."
"I don't get why you talk about your problems to all those people you don't even know. Aren't you embarrassed?"

I'm so sorry I forgot to think of your feelings when I was trying to take care of my body and increase my quality of life! This is like an every day thing for me. I really hope you guys get off a little more easily than me and have more understanding people in your lives.

Do people ever say things like this to you? How do you respond? Also I really appreciate all of the email love I've been getting recently!! Feel free to post in the comments too and start a conversation with my other readers. You guys are great, and I'd love to get some conversation going amongst all of you!

Wedding Series: The Dress!

I put off looking for my dress for a very long time. I'm not a very emotional person, and, thanks to my IBS ruining my social life, I don't have many friends to tag along and make it super fun. I also have some body image issues now that I'm so skinny, so I thought I'd look weird in dresses. Kind of like some of the wedding gown models that look like they're about to cave in on themselves. I was just not very excited to start looking.

Then throw in IBS and the possibility of urgency or having to pass gas when I'm being helped into a dress by my consultant, and I was really dreading my appointment. I'm lucky enough to not be dealing with a whole lot of urgency right now, and I trust that I can pop an extra half an imodium in case I start to feel some coming on and stop it pretty quickly. Knowing I could trust in that helped me not completely freak out about being stuck in a massive dress wondering if I was going to have to buy it because I'd ruined it or something.

If we had decided to get married 3 years ago, I'm honestly not sure how I would have handled my dress appointments. Back then, I was mostly confined to my house and was dealing with almost constant urgency if I had eaten that day. If you're at that point in your life, this could be a serious hurdle to tackle. If it were me, I would have approached my appointments differently; I would have done a little more research about what the places were like. Two of the three bridal stores I went to had very personable consultants and they were all about me. If I didn't feel comfortable in a dress, we'd take it off right away. One of the stores I went to, it was all about the gowns. I didn't like that one? Ugh, I just had bad taste. I feel like if I started to have an episode and either had to cut my appointment short or hop out of a dress and run to a bathroom, I would be banned from the store. It was very anxiety-inducing and made me feel uncomfortable even though I consider myself to be in a good place right now, symptom-wise.

Another piece of advice I'd offer is to search for your dress when it's COLD! I was burning up getting in and out of these dresses! I don't know about you guys, but when I start to have urgency or my stomach starts churning, I get really hot, and that heat I feel just makes me feel like it's even more urgent that I book it to the bathroom. My cheeks turn red, I feel like I have literal steam coming off the top of my head, and sometimes I feel a little light-headed like I'm having a heat stroke or something. I know it's just anxiety, but knowing that I could just stand by an open window or step outside and cool off made me feel better. Now that I think of it, though, they usually blast the heat when it's too cold out, so maybe go in the spring/fall ;)

Alright, the last thing I'll talk about on this subject is comfort. When I'm having a horrible episode, and I'm up and going every 5 minutes, I'm wearing sweatpants or shorts so I don't have to worry about possibly not getting my pants off quickly enough. Wedding dresses completely fail in this department; unless you've decided to go with a short dress, you're screwed. I'm screwed. My fiance reads my blog, so I can't say which shape of dress I decided to go with, but I'm a little afraid I messed up and didn't consider at all how I was going to use the restroom on our wedding day. I don't know if I even should have considered that because your wedding dress is just supposed to be something that makes you feel like your absolute most beautiful self on your big day.  I was proud of myself for not considering this at first, but now I'm a little worried. I found Pinterest to be quite helpful in calming myself down about this- there's something on there about using a trash bag to contain your dress while you do your business, and it looks like it just might work.

Bottom line- take only the people who will help you feel comfortable and won't push you to stay and look when you start to feel sick, do whatever it takes to decrease your chances of having urgency while you're trying on dresses, do your research about the people who work at the stores you're visiting- do reviews say they always have your best interests at heart?- they should, don't go shopping when it's 100 degrees out- you'll just feel worse, and maybe consider how comfortable you're going to feel wearing that dress allll dayyyyy longggg on your wedding day.

Don't let your IBS ruing this moment for you! Getting in that dress that's "the one" and having it finally hit you that you're going to marry the love of your life in that dress is amazing. I didn't feel like a bride until I was wearing my dress. IBS gets to steal so many moments away from you already; just be prepared and don't let it take this one!

Wedding Series: In-Laws

We all know that people suck, in general, when it comes to accepting and respecting IBS as a real issue, and that is no different when it comes to in-laws. Some of you may be lucky enough to have family members that understand what you're going through, so this may be an even larger hurdle for you to jump than it was for me. My family, however, was not- is not- very understand or accepting of my IBS and has always given me trouble about it. Over 6000 of you have read my blog posts, but I bet you a million bucks that none of them have ever laid eyes on them.

But family is different. You can call them names, you can yell at them, and you can stick out your tongue at them before you walk away like a two year old. Chances are that a couple days down the road, one of you will need something and you'll forget it ever happened. Unfortunately, that's not the case with in-laws. You basically have to treat them like strangers, but the sucky part is that they're strangers who get to have an opinion about you. WORSE- they get to have an opinion about you and share that opinion with your fiance who shares their opinion with you. So then you know that they think you're a freak because you don't eat anything at the parties they throw. And that they think you're anorexic because they've never seen you eat. And that they think it's all in your head, and you just need to get over it.

You know what you get to do about it? Jack.shit. Because they're your in-laws. You have to keep the peace and remain tactful so you don't ruin your relationship with your significant other. Well, I guess that's not true. I have been able to do something about it. Here's my story:

I've been dating my fiance for over 9 years. I've had IBS since I was 7, but this current cycle of symptoms started about 2 years into our relationship, so he's had 7 years of dealing with this with me. Needless to say, he's learned a thing or two about what I go through day-to-day, so he gets it on the level that a person that it's not actually happening to can get it. His parents are Russian, and in Russian tradition, food and drink are VERY important and are basically the center of every good Russian party. And Russians (my Russians, at least) like to party. My family gets together mostly for major holidays and maybe birthdays if everyone can find a day off together. Russians celebrate EVERY holiday, EVERY birthday, and sometimes throw parties for what seems like just the heck of it. I've been to a LOT of parties over these 9 years.

Another thing about Russians is that it's considered rude to not accept food or drink when you're welcomed into their house. In the beginning, when I was having a symptom-free cycle, I was able to eat or drink anything. I was still my picky self, but I would still eat their food if I could figure out what it was. Once I got sick, I stopped eating anything anywhere except for the safest foods at home. At that time, I was completely afraid of all food because it would make me violently sick, and I was losing weight scarily fast. When I had to stop accepting food at their houses, I tried to explain what was happening, but it's very awkward talking about those kind of symptoms with people who haven't quite formed an opinion of you. I basically left the explanation at, "IBS makes me sensitive to foods that normal people can eat without a problem. When I eat those foods, I get very sick for days at a time."They didn't understand why an "upset stomach" was keeping me from eating the food they were offering me but just pretended to not care for many, many years.

Every now and then I would hear a story through my fiance about how they asked him, again, why I never ate anything. He said that he tried to explain it best he could, but they still thought it was just all in my head. I just needed to drink more vodka and it would cure me. You should have heard their reaction when I told them I couldn't drink alcohol. Yikes.

Anyway, fast forward to now, and I thought we had it all covered, but no. All of the extended family and family friends have finally stopped asking me at every party why I'm not eating; they've just accepted it as my way of life. But my fiance came home the other day after visiting his parents, and he said that he thought his step-mom finally understood it. They had an argument about whether or not it was all in my head, and he thinks he finally got through to her...7 years later. He explained that it's not just an upset stomach, and that it affects every facet of my life. How I have to consider what I'm going to eat if I'm going to be away from home for too long. How I have to plan out where I can use the restrooms in case an urge hits me. How I can't eat at work all day long so I don't have an episode and have to leave. How I have to avoid the food I've always loved because it kills my insides. How I'm in pain every single day. How I go to sleep every night with a heating pad on. How I have no social life because I'm tired of people being weirded out by me not eating.

And they finally understood the profound effect this continues to have on my life. Even though I currently consider myself to be in a fairly symptom-free cycle, I still struggle day-to-day. I'm not having diarrhea every single day, but the urgency and cramps are still there. I still have to avoid my trigger foods for the fear that my IBS will come raging back. So, they are right in some regard. IBS has changed the way I think. But any disease changes the way you think.

Alright, I got a little off topic. I think the best way to deal with in-laws is to make sure your fiance or husband/wife understands your disease as well as they can. They are the ones who will most likely be explaining what's going on with you to their curious family. Don't let their opinions get to you. Just like any stranger on the street, they don't understand IBS and they're going to think the worst of it. I've decided that IBS is treated basically like mental health diseases are. They aren't considered "real" by society yet. That's not your problem, that's theirs. If they never understand it, you just have to stop trying to get them to understand. It's too much stress to put that on yourself. And we all know you don't need more stress. Over time, your new family will grow to love you and your IBS will just become an odd quirk to them in the worst case, and life-altering condition in the best case.

Just remember- in the end, the only person you need to understand you completely is your significant other. Anyone else who wants to get it is just icing on the cake you can't eat.

Wedding Series: Snagging the guy...or more like keeping the guy around after you start talking about poop

I'm not sure whether or not I've talked much about my guy on here, but I figured it was the most logical place to start the wedding series. I get a lot of comments and emails about dating and finding a partner from my readers. I'd say you, as a group, are most worried first about how IBS is affecting your life negatively and second about finding someone who will love you and accept your condition.

Everyone always asks me what I recommend for finding the love of their life, and my answer is always the same. Um, just let it happen? It would be the same whether or not you had IBS because love is not something you can script; it really does just happen. The part I can talk about is how you keep your partner around after all the poop talk starts :)

I got lucky in many, many ways. I had been sick for as long as I could remember, but for some reason it all stopped in high school. When I met my guy, I was completely well. I was as normal as normal could be, and obviously that made things a lot easier in the beginning. We became best friends, eventually started dating, and then suddenly fell deeply in love. About 3 years after that, I got very, very sick. At that point there really was no turning back. He couldn't just be like, "Ew, you poop all the time and talk about it, so I'm leaving you." However, I feel like the same things we had to go through in the beginning apply to everyone, so I'm going to tell you how we were able to transform as a couple after IBS struck again, get over the awkward phase, and live happily ever after.

Poop is awkward. No one is born being comfortable talking about it because that's not how our society is built. Pooping is a very personal and private thing, and society expects you to keep it that way. But when you start dating someone, you start sharing things that are normally private. If you had a rough childhood, you can share that with your partner. If you are out and start feeling bored, you can whisper that to your partner and leave with them. There are certain things that become ok to share with a former stranger simply because you're together now. But not poop. It is NOT ok to talk about poop. So what happens when poop starts to rule your life? With IBS it becomes such a large part of your life, so how are you supposed to keep that private? How can you be expected to keep something like that from someone who spends a large part of their time with you and eventually lives with you? Or do you share it with them?

That's for you two to decide. Not everyone is alike, so it might not be something that you will ever talk about. Personally, having him allow me to talk about it when I need to has drastically improved my quality of life. If I had to keep everything that was happening to me private, I would still be incredibly depressed and feel alone, or worse. For us, sharing my IBS was the best thing for us and has actually brought us closer together.

If you read my post about being embarrassed by IBS, you should know that (I think) you should not be embarrassed about it. Nor should you allow other people to make you feel embarrassed about it. That goes for your partner. I would hope that whomever you choose to fall in love with accepts you, and if you choose to be open about your IBS, they should be accepting of that as well.

In the beginning, I started off taking things very slow. When I started noticing that my symptoms were coming back, I didn't really say anything. On the night I got food poisoning and my IBS was triggered to start back up, I didn't even share what was going on with him. There he was sleeping right next to me, and he didn't know then how sick I was feeling. He didn't know until I woke him up begging him to take me home. After that, if I didn't feel well I would just tell him I didn't feel like hanging out or that I had homework to get done. As I realized that my symptoms weren't going to go away, I didn't want to hide it as much anymore. I would tell him that my stomach hurt and that I needed to stay in. Luckily, he was more than happy to stay in with me. We ended up spending New Year's alone in my apartment where he made me something off the BRAT diet and we just talked all night.

It continued like that for a long time. From the beginning, I think he just thought that my food poisoning had lingered longer than it should have. Since the IBS symptoms had disappeared completely during high school, I didn't feel like I needed to tell anyone. After I realized my symptoms weren't going away, I decided to tell him about what I had dealt with as a kid and what I was dealing with now. I explained that it most likely wouldn't go away quickly and that I could be sick for a really long time. I told him I would need him to be patient with me but that I definitely didn't want to hold him back from going out with friends just because I wasn't feeling well. This is where I go back to talking about being lucky. He wasn't ok with that. He wanted to take care of me when I was sick instead of going out and partying. He was content just sitting at home with me, bringing me my medicine, and making sure I had my heating pad. Personally, I feel like hiding it from him would have made him think he was doing something wrong and I didn't want to hang out with him. Being open and telling him I was sick allowed him to realize that there was something external causing our relationship to change.

But you have to remember this was before I turned into what I am today: the girl who blogs about poop and isn't afraid to mention it in normal conversation. You also have to remember that we've been dating for 9 years a week from today. Our relationship has evolved slowly over that time, and he has slowly become more and more ok with my symptoms and talking about them. Right now, we talk about almost everything except shape and color. It has become a completely normal part of our relationship because it is something that affects my life so entirely. He knows that it's important to me, so it's important to him.

What I suggest is that you date like a normal person. Obviously you'll have to make some changes to accommodate your IBS. Find restaurants in your area that have a "safe" meal you can order when you go out, has clean bathrooms for you to use, and is within an acceptable distance from your house should you feel sick. Do some calming exercises before you go out to mentally prepare yourself to relax. Calming your nerves before a date is almost impossible, but just do everything you can do to make yourself feel comfortable while you're out. Bring all the medicine that you need and come up with an excuse should you have to leave early.

But most of all, don't sell yourself short. You are a good catch; your IBS doesn't change that. It doesn't make you gross or undesirable. Someone out there will love you, and, with time and understanding, will accept your condition as well. Once you find someone you want to be with, slowly introduce them to your IBS like I did. I wouldn't lay it all on them at once, but you need to make sure they're ok with your day to day limitations and that they will be for a long, long time. I worry every day whether or not my guy will eventually get tired of me holding him back from a "full" life since I'm stuck on the couch more often than most people. But I can't stress enough that you need to surround yourself with people who accept you, IBS and all. A lot of us have family members or friends that make us feel strange because of what has happened to us. You can't choose family, and a lot of times you can't kick one friend out of the group, but you can choose your mate. If you start dating someone and they're completely grossed out by your IBS, move along. If someone can't accept that you have a condition that affects your life, they're not worth your time.